Category: Emotional

Normality

1/18/2011

Or a semblance thereof..... :/

Still haven't uploaded my pictures to the computer. I'm trying to free up space by burning all my old pictures to CDs so I can print them later, and get my new pictures edited etc etc.

Until I get a REAL update up, with pictures and a synopsis of everything that happened, let me just say that I really thought I was going to make it without crying at all yesterday when the boys left. I mean, I've been with people for a week and felt sad but didn't cry when I left. I was happy that I had met them, and all that fun shtuff.

Yesterday, the moment that the guys were out of my sight, I started crying. And I didn't stop until we got home (a 2-hr drive).

That....seemed like the longest car trip ever. And I prefer not to linger on it. But I felt like I was about to die, and I didn't even know precisely why.

(Well....actually, I do. But I'm not ready to go into all that just yet.)

So...the guys are gone, and while I'm not depressed like I was yesterday I still miss them all terribly. And I'm counting down the days til April rolls around and I can go back. Ze Floridians have stolen my affections, it would seem....XD

Your hostess,

The Fox

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peers in

1/15/2011

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*clears throat* Ahem. Hi? Anyone in here?

*echoes*

Well, I'm here to let ya'll know that I have not died, and in fact am alive and well. The guys have been here since Monday, and it has been AMAZING. Purely fantastic. But I've been so busy taking pictures/cooking/driving/taking pictures/talking/watching movies/taking pictures/etc that I haven't been inclined to check in here.

And my computer died, and I just got it back yesterday. That may have had something to do with the lack of updates too. XD

Suffice to say we have been having a great time, and I don't want them to leave...like, EVER. (I had a dream last night about driving them to the airport...it was a very sad dream.)

Anyway. I haven't slept a full night's sleep all week, what with staying up til 1 or later watching movies. It's a huge mistake, but I don't want to go to bed.........sigh.

Pictures will be forthcoming as soon as I can get them on my compy and edited. Until then we have lunch at Fuji's coming up and only two days to cram as much fun stuff into as possible. *rolls up sleeves*

Your hostess,

The Fox

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Day 2, Part 2: The Wedding

11/26/2010

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Here comes the bride...all dressed in white....

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Daaa da da daaa da....da.....

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Okay, never mind. I believe this is Gabe's demonstration of the goose-step. XD

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This post starts off rather humbly, actually. I 'volunteered' (read: was press-ganged) into driving the truck for the wedding party, and made my entrance by promptly tearing the fusebox panel off in my attempt to release the brake.

(Sorry. I was a bit nervous.)

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The Best Man and Mad of Honor...

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Groomsman and bridesmaid...

(Everyone came out on the verge of giggles and with big smiles on their faces. I found out later that this was because Gabe got everyone laughing right before they were supposed to go out and they had to suppress their laughter. *rolls eyes*)

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(Another) Groomsman and bridesmaid...

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And the line-up! Almost all of my brothers...blood-related and otherwise... :P

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Ahhh, I absolutely LOVE this picture. She was so gorgeous...and the flowers add this big splash of color and focal point that I just love. Gah.

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The minister was the photographer's dad (see, everything's connected. It's so weird. XD), and he had a lot of fun with his job. I'll just leave it at that.

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One of my favorites....sigh. The sun was just setting and everything looked so soft and pretty. I didn't MEAN for the picture to go slightly out of focus, but I think it adds to the whole dreamlike atmosphere.

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Looks like I had front-row seats, huh?

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Well...not really. I still had to drive the truck. But for the earlier pictures I was standing on the toolbox in the back.

(Don't look at me like that. I got some good pictures, didn't I? XD)

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AND I had to play Teh CD of Awesome, which had Josh Turner's "Would You Go With Me" on it. It was a very important part. *puts nose in air* XD

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GAH. Another one I just LOVE. :D

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Okay! So after exit music was played I drove around, picked up the wedding party, drove back to the front door (the tent was set up in the backyard), everyone ran through the house, and out the back...

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...to the song 'Why Wait' by Rascal Flatts!

(P.S. This is another picture that I absolutely adore--I couldn't have gotten the blur contrasted with the focus if I tried)

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They went down through the 'bridge'...

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...and into the tent!

I didn't get too many pictures (read: none) of the dinner and dancing and carrying on, mostly because I was too busy stuffing my face and dancing to do so. but suffice to say it was FUN. We all danced for at least 2 hours solid, kicking up enough dust that I was snorting black for two days. And came down with a terrible cold.

I'm just keeping it real, folks. XD

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The arbor, at night...all lit up and prettyful...

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OKAY. So Isaac WROTE a song for Lydi and sang it for her during the reception. Can we say 'aww'?? :D

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Okay. Two hours of dancing and dust breathing later, here we were.

(Have I mentioned lately that I love my new in-laws? I have? Oh. Okay. Well, I do.)

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They're planning on coming to visit in January...to that I say "YEEEEEEEEEEE" and fall over in a gleeful fit. XD Since they've never seen snow before (which I've mentioned before, I know) they want to come when it's cold. Bitter, bitter cold.

I think they're nuts.

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Speaking of cold, by 10:00 that night I could see my breath, and some considerate soul built a bonfire. So, instead of shivering to death we could reek of smoke.

(...actually, I really like bonfires. Seriously.)

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Ahh, the warm glow...it warmeth. Muchly.

Tune in next post for our exciting venture to BARBERVILLE. That wondrous place of dancing and music and sellers and music and more dancing and fun and *squelches*

Ahem. Just...tune in next post. It'll be entertaining. Or at least have lots of pictures. I promise.

Your hostess,

The Fox

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Day 2, Part 1: Set-Up

11/24/2010

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The day of the wedding I took SO many pictures...so I'm splitting the day into two posts. This one high-lights the setting up and small details as we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off.

(Okay, not really...but it WAS high-paced and great and long and just FANTASTIC. Gah.)

I woke that morning around 7:30, took a cold shower (not of my own volition--the water took FOREVER to heat up in the hotel), and was ready to leave by 8:15. Unfortunately, none of the others were ready to leave until 11. -_-; But after we FINALLY got there at noon (after getting lunch from Subway and extra nommage from Publix) things were better. Much better. :D

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You can tell that they've got servants hearts 'cause they're stacking chairs. XD

Also, I should mention that it was far colder than we expected it to be. Don't let that clear, sunny sky fool ya--it was about 65 F, with 20 mph wind. My little thin velvet coat was the only jacket I brought, and consequently I was cold almost the whole time. Sigh.

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But back to the wedding stuff. I think Gabe and Obi built this--whoever did it did a great job, and there were quart Mason jars with tea lights and stuff in them and light bulbs and it was awesome. The flowers are a variety which name escapes me now, but they were very papery and pretty.

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Yes. It was cold. I think I already mentioned that, didn't I...?

Olivia had hijacked my camera at this point, hence some of these I did not take. XD

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Ahh, the wind...

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TaDAAA!!!

Okay, I LOVE this picture. From left to right we have:

April, Amanda (two sisters staying with the Acevedo's), Anna (who also happened to be the photographer), and mah new bro Obi. (He calls me 'lil sis', but he's only about an inch taller than me. o_e)

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Anna again!

She and her sisters are all so gorgeous. It's sickening. XD

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Oh, yes...the 'queen' shot. XD I think I was referring to the others as my slaves at this point...

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April! She and her sister are gorgeous too--it's so crazy! There were all of these gorgeous/handsome/whathaveyou people down there, everywhere I looked!! O.o

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Amanda and Anna's feet, respectively... XD Also: Obi has good taste in trucks. Just sayin'.

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The tent! It was so huge--the wind kept catching the edges and flapping them, hence the 'open' spots at the bottom. And later the boys had to pull the stakes back up and hammer them back in because the wind was loosening them. It was crazy.

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Part of Gabe's garden...I thought the bike hanging on the fence looked kinda cool. :P

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Ahh, there's Mom and Lydi! *happy grin* There were only a few live flowers for the wedding, but whoever made the arrangement did a GREAT job.

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Practice! Will, Emily, and Gabe were the musicians for the actual wedding...and I think this was the first time they got to practice together.

Knowing the songs? Sort of. Getting to practice the first time the day of? Yup. Five hours 'til the ceremony? Yup. Ahh, I love winging it, don't you? XD

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Butterflies are purty. The end.

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AAAAHH THE RINGS!!! *pant gasp wheeze* A friend of Isaac's (well, a friend of mine now too) did the rings...he did a mah-velous job, yes? :P

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Zee cool swing is cool.

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Oh yes, Gabe has this GORGEOUS little Blueridge guitar. *sigh* Will and I both sorta fell in love with that guitar...*sheepish grin* But it was so easy to play...

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Ahh yes. Apparently the stakes weren't pounded in properly the first time, so the guys had to go around and pull the stakes up one by one and pound them back in. Will, a couple of the girls (I think Amanda and April? Maybe Olivia too), and I were tagging along acting as the peanut gallery. Which is always awesome.

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Isaac, the anxious groom... XD (Actually, he didn't seem THAT anxious. But I digress.)

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And Lydi, the first time we got to see her completely made up and with the dress! *spazzflail* She's like a model. Sigh...swoon...

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And back to the nitty gritty of setting up...this was when the caterers got there and had all their stuff lying out. They did a GREAT job, though, what with setting the tables, getting all the food together, etc.

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The yo yo flowers!! *squee* Lydiana made almost all of them by HAND. They are so gosh-darned cute.

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Case in point--the whole set-up was fabulous.

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And whoever had THIS idea was brilliant--they took quotes, wrote 'em on notecards, and set up four cards at each table.

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D'awwww.... ^-^

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Okay, finally got a close-up of the flowers. Aren't they just adorable?

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And practicing outside...it was still SO cold at this point. Brr.

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Gabe and zee fiddle!

Also, a point I would like to make: Gabe has been playing fiddle for only five years. And yet, he is AMAZING at it. (I mean, not that I wouldn't expect him to be amazing...but I was always under the impression that it took many, MANY years to become really accomplished.) It's just astounding.

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Hmm...the steely-eyed gaze...if he had a gun instead of a fiddle, I'd be ducking right about now. XD

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Ahh, the brothers! They clean up awful nice, don't they? XD

Okay! Next post deals with the actual wedding, and there may be residual posts of things that I miss and Barberville and all that...so please bear with me while I sort through all these pictures that I have.

Until next time I remain,

Your hostess,

The Fox

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Dreaming

9/17/2010

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While looking up random things on Google and coming across the "Molly is a dreamer" line, that got me to thinking about dreams.

On a random tangent I've been dreaming a bit less, or forcing myself to dream less, because to dream is to be idealistic. And lately inward idealism, while a noble idea, has been making me depressed rather than energized because in this day and age it is mocked and devalued. To dream of finding a good, faithful spouse seems childish because look at how many people go off the deep end after decades of being together, or how many losers pay lip service to the idea of faithfulness and in no time at all go back on their promises. To dream of having a friend you can trust is silly, because look at the people who portray themselves to be someone and end up being COMPLETELY different from the person they pretended to be. To dream of taking life by the horns and doing something you love, even if it's unpractical, is stupid because what if you fail and end up penniless on the streets? To dream of doing something crazy and fantastic and wonderful is frightening, because it IS crazy and wonderful and tempered with just enough risk of failure that most people don't do it.

And to dream...to dream is intimidating, because sometimes you can't imagine yourself being good enough to try whatever it is you want to try, and you shrink back and try not to think too hard about your dreams, because to bring about its realization means you have to be brave enough to admit that you need to better yourself and be jolted out of your comfort zone. And THAT is why, while growing up, people force themselves to stop dreaming. Because it is hard, and requires effort to bring about to realization.

Your hostess,

The Fox

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The Magic of Theater

7/26/2010

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I am of the opinion that, while some of the best pictures due to lighting and set-up etc were caught onstage, some of the best pictures story-wise were caught backstage.

Isn't that the way these things always go, though? The polished story is the front that everyone sees, but it's the little things that happen backstage and create that camaraderie to which only people who have been thrown together for a common purpose can relate. It's part of the magic of theater--the creating of friendships, the stories of people saying and doing silly things (as only people can do)...that's the part that I always remember the most. Behind the established story is one that thrives in and of itself, simply because there were people who cared enough to bring it to life.

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For example: this may look like Will chilling near the dressing rooms. But by being there I knew that he had just gotten his makeup applied and was hurrying up to the stage for a microphone check.

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By being there I knew that this was Bailey in the second try for a picture, in reality wearing a modified skirt (she's tiny) and waiting for the cue to go onstage.

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By being there I knew that this was the frenzy five minutes before the show started, with me sitting up next to the curtain and alternately snapping pictures and peering out at the crowd...

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...that this was Zach, killing time before his entrance as the narrator and being blinded by my flash (sorry 'bout that, by the way)...

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That this was...uh...my foot, simply because I thought it looked kinda neat.

Okay, that's not really relevant. But hey, I was getting bored sitting eight feet off the ground behind the curtain and getting my feet tickled by random passers-by.

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That people were exhausted the last day, and resting near the stage door in an attempt to relax before going back onstage...

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That this was Derek being...Derek... XD

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That during intermission some of the background folks came out onstage to blink in the dazzling stagelight and get some much-deserved attention...

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That someone's tap shoes had been slipped into a different dressing room and there was a bit of a flurry before they were found (and posed with)...

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That this was the seniors, together after the last performance before going their separate ways in life.

I hadn't intended for this to be such a reminiscing post. But...those who have not been involved in a creative endeavor simply do not realize the things that happen in the background to bring a bunch of random people together to make something magical happen.

And that...that is the magic of theater.

That's what makes it all worthwhile.

And that's what makes us keep coming back.

Your hostess,

The Fox

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Forgiveness

5/22/2010

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It’s been almost a month, and I still get weak and shaky whenever I see him. At first I thought it was because of anger and hurt—granted, there’s a touch of those—but as I think and analyze deeper I find that it’s also shame. I am ashamed of having been misled for so long. I am ashamed for giving him my trust when it was flung back in my face. And I am ashamed for refusing to forgive him.

There’s a thought that says ‘he doesn’t DESERVE forgiveness—look at what he did to you!’ And taking his current actions into consideration only tends to solidify that notion: ‘if he’s not sorry and continues to do destructive things, what’s forgiving him going to do?’

But…maybe the act of forgiveness isn’t so much for his sake as it is for mine. I’m sure he doesn’t care whether I forgive him or not, but the longer I cling onto the thought that ‘I have been wronged and therefore I will make him pay’ the less satisfaction I get out of it. Rather, the negativity seems to manifest itself in a physical sense: weakness, tightening in the chest and throat, and a distinct yet conflicted desire to hurt him.

Hurting HIM won’t help anything, though. If nothing else it’ll just prove that I’m a revenge-grubbing ex that he would thank his lucky stars for dumping. At this point all I do is carefully ignore him—acknowledging his existence coming and going is about the extent of our interaction—and don’t go one way or the other as far as ‘forgive’ or ‘not’ go.

This morning I had an opportunity to follow him out and apologize for snubbing him for the past month. But then I started shaking and my throat tightened, and while my mind screamed to go and apologize even though I may not think he deserved it, I stayed frozen behind my desk, caught in indecision. Then I heard his car start and the booming of his stereo as he pulled out of the parking lot, and it was too late.

As I think about it, lounging in indecision is a choice within itself. The longer I waffle between ‘forgive or not’ I choose ‘not’ by default. The road of inaction is an act within itself, and the only reward that comes from not doing something is regret.

Perhaps there’s a reason that hurting others is like smashing a mirror with your hands—you may have broken what you didn’t want to see, but wind up injuring yourself in the process.

I supposed that ultimately it’s not my call to say whether someone deserves forgiveness or not—none of us deserve it, ultimately, and it’s only by the grace of God that we do receive anything. I haven’t done it yet, but I think that writing this little observance has given me a reason to apologize and get this load off my back.

Your hostess,

The Fox

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A Complete 180

5/15/2010

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*comes back in from furiously chopping at a block of wood*

That describes my feelings on the M saga. And believe me when I say that there is no more M saga--I have gotten a strong dose of reality, which I apparently needed.

So. M has a girlfriend. I think I would have taken it much harder if she was a real prospect--but said girlfriend is 10 years older than him, has been married/divorced at least once, maybe twice, has a kid my age who is in trouble with the law, and has a notorious reputation for being a slut. (Yes, I said slut. It's the truth, and I'm more than a little ticked right now.)

I found out about this new development from when M came into the gym this morning--he was talking to one of the other guys and mentioned the lady's name. I asked him about it before he left--he wasn't going to tell me otherwise (duh) and was obviously uncomfortable about the whole conversation. I think I was pretty calm, albeit shaking from anger...

But ya know what? I was struggling with feeling of missing him for the past two weeks, but now all I feel towards him is relief that he showed his true colors and didn't lead me on for any longer, and anger because he lied to me on SO many levels. But I don't miss him anymore.

I'm not sure how long it'll take to get over the 'anger' part...I can promise that I will waste no more tears wondering what it was that I did or didn't do, and I'm not going to be friends. It's kind of impossible, given the current circumstances.

Your seething hostess,

The Fox

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A Storm, and the Aftermath

5/3/2010

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A storm blew through last night, complete with dramatic temperature change (from 'warm' to 'chilly' in a matter of minutes), lightning, thunder, and rain. The most impressive part would have to have been watching it all blow in...

I wish that I could capture the entirety of the experience of standing outside, watching this blow in--the weird stillness broken by a cold breeze, the little maple seeds helicoptering down in response to the breeze, the flickering of lightning in the distance...it's something that can't be satisfactorially captured with just a picture.

(Would someone please tell me if 'satisfactorially' is even a word? Thanks. XD)

The poplars were rustling ominously here...

...and the clouds were sweeping in, working themselves into inverted peaks and valleys under the tutelage of the wind...

...okay, now it sounds like I've been watching some of those old corny detective movies. A la Tracer Bullet or something. Suffice to say it was kinda scary.

I didn't get any pictures of the rain, but after all that rumbling and buildup it was kind of pathetic (straight down, no hail or high winds), and the clouds blew off almost as quickly as they had approached.

And then, THIS happened.

See the double rainbow outside the big one? This would have to be the brightest rainbow I have EVER seen. Just sayin'.

Hmm...the sun was catching these leaves with a very interesting angle, but the camera didn't catch them very well. Phooey.

After being depressed much of Sunday, this excuse to take pictures was exactly what I needed...it distracted me from mentally brooding on the thought that M seems to have screwed me over emotionally (pardon my language). Arrrrghh...such is life, I suppose. It's gonna take me a while to get through this, methinks.

Your hostess,

The Fox

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A Rant

5/2/2010

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Consider yourself duly warned.

Every time I think that I've recovered, I have a 'memory relapse' and seem to be yanked right back to where I was when last week began.

It would help if I didn't have to see M over the week. I saw him Friday and Saturday--Thursday evening and Fri. morning I was thinking 'okay, I've got this under control, I can handle whatever is flung my direction'...and the moment he walked in the door I wanted to DIE. It also doesn't help that he isn't acting any different from when we were 'exclusive' or whatever (i.e. familiar, friendly, talkative, and more than a little flirty).

I don't know if he's THAT oblivious, but come ON, dude. Surely you remember what it was like to have your heart broken for the first time. The more you show your face, the less charitable I feel and the more bitterness sprouts. I'm starting to hate the memories associated with you, because I don't know if you realize what your actions say to me.

They say that you don't feel any differently towards me. If you don't feel any differently, does that mean that I was just a 'maybe' prospect from the beginning? Some kind of temporary fling, where you wouldn't have to get emotionally involved? Or are you trying to keep the status quo, so that if you should change your mind I'll still be waiting around?

Thinking about the possibilities isn't helpful, I know...regrets about 'what if I did this' and 'I shouldn't have done that' and age and whatever excuses were brought up last week are not conducive to recovery. I just wish...I wish that I could have talked about things, important things, before it all went down. I was afraid of appearing naive, and ignorant, and unaware of the 'big picture'. I'm always afraid of talking about important things, because I don't want to appear like an idiot. But maybe it's time to get over myself and let others see my ignorant, naive, oblivious, messy self for what it is, and ignore the imagined consequences.

All of us are ignorant of the 'big picture', ultimately. What does it matter if others think I look stupid in the process?

And back to the M situation...all I have to say is a quote from a song called 'Friends, Lovers or Nothing'...

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than I love you is lying

Your discombobulated hostess,

The Fox

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Normality

peers in

Day 2, Part 2: The Wedding

Day 2, Part 1: Set-Up

Dreaming

The Magic of Theater

Forgiveness

A Complete 180

A Storm, and the Aftermath

A Rant

Molly Rose

Journal

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