Every time I think that I've recovered, I have a 'memory relapse' and seem to be yanked right back to where I was when last week began.
It would help if I didn't have to see M over the week. I saw him Friday and Saturday--Thursday evening and Fri. morning I was thinking 'okay, I've got this under control, I can handle whatever is flung my direction'...and the moment he walked in the door I wanted to DIE. It also doesn't help that he isn't acting any different from when we were 'exclusive' or whatever (i.e. familiar, friendly, talkative, and more than a little flirty).
I don't know if he's THAT oblivious, but come ON, dude. Surely you remember what it was like to have your heart broken for the first time. The more you show your face, the less charitable I feel and the more bitterness sprouts. I'm starting to hate the memories associated with you, because I don't know if you realize what your actions say to me.
They say that you don't feel any differently towards me. If you don't feel any differently, does that mean that I was just a 'maybe' prospect from the beginning? Some kind of temporary fling, where you wouldn't have to get emotionally involved? Or are you trying to keep the status quo, so that if you should change your mind I'll still be waiting around?
Thinking about the possibilities isn't helpful, I know...regrets about 'what if I did this' and 'I shouldn't have done that' and age and whatever excuses were brought up last week are not conducive to recovery. I just wish...I wish that I could have talked about things, important things, before it all went down. I was afraid of appearing naive, and ignorant, and unaware of the 'big picture'. I'm always afraid of talking about important things, because I don't want to appear like an idiot. But maybe it's time to get over myself and let others see my ignorant, naive, oblivious, messy self for what it is, and ignore the imagined consequences.
All of us are ignorant of the 'big picture', ultimately. What does it matter if others think I look stupid in the process?
And back to the M situation...all I have to say is a quote from a song called 'Friends, Lovers or Nothing'...
Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than I love you is lying
Your discombobulated hostess,