Les Miserables Performs Jekyll and Hyde (Pt. 2)
A few minutes later…
Bramble: Everyone dressed?
Everyone: *grumbling and reluctant nods*
Bramble: *with a fake chipper voice* Good! Now, here are your scripts. On these pages, I write my second parody. Read them well, when I at last am sleeping--
Javert: You are NOT the convict, so don’t even try to pull off his death scene.
Bramble: Aw, you’re no fun anymore…okay. I have decided that the first song to perform is ‘I Need To Know’ because ‘Lost in the Darkness just doesn’t have that same punch. It’s a pat compared to INTK.
Bramble: INTK is a punch, LITD is a pat? You know, a comparison? Oh, never mind! Just shut up and sing!
Valjean: What about the prologue?
Bramble: *consults paper* My goodness, I missed it, didn’t I? Right, back to the prologue! Listen to that dramatic drum and bell--*is squelched*
Marius (as Jekyll): In each of us there are two natures. If this primitive duality of man, good and evil, could be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that is unbearable. It is the curse of mankind that these polar twins would be constantly struggling! Gee, this is really cheery…
Bramble: *muffled grumbling as she is restrained from comment by Bahorel*
Marius (as Jekyll): I need to know Not really!
The nature of the demons that possess man's soul Actually, I think I’ll let sleeping dogs lie
I need to know This is a line used far too much
Why man's content to let them make him less than whole That’s never really crossed my mind before
Why does he revel in murder and madness? Gee, why, I wonder?
What is it makes him be less than he should? You tell me
Why is he doomed not to reach his potential? *insert a shrug here*
His soul is black when he turns his back upon good! Isn’t that kind of a given?
I need to find Les gasp! A variation!
W way to get inside the tortured mind of man That couldn’t be good
I need to try Do, or do not! There is no try!
To separate the good and evil - if I can-- Uh huh. And how is that supposed to happen?
One thing is certain - the evil is stronger; No, really?
Good fights a hopeless and desperate fight! Well, my bet’s off then
I must find ways of adjusting the balance Whatever happened to justice having even balances?
To bring him back from the empty black edge of night! Here, have a lifeline
I need to go where no man has ventured before But it’s scary!
To search for the key to the door Eh? What door?
That will end all this tragic and senseless decay--
But how to go? Gimme a map
I need to know!
I need to learn I already know quite a bit, thanks
The secrets of the mind that we cannot discern Didn’t I say that I didn’t wanna?
I need to learn And didn’t I say---oh, never mind.
the things that make men pass the point of no return Oh, this again
Why does a wise man take leave of his senses? More questions? Where are the answers?
Where is that fine line where sanity melts? Like an ice cube, heh heh
When does intelligence give way to madness? Does it?
A moment comes
When a man becomes something else ... I see--NOT!
I need to know
Why man plays this strange double game-- I need to know why I’m singing this dumb song
His hand always close to the flame-- Now wouldn’t that hurt?
It's a deal with the devil he cannot disclaim Kinda like Faust
But what's his aim? …no comment
I need to know!
Dear God, guide me! Finally, a good idea!
Show me how to succeed! Another good idea
With your wisdom inside me
Henry Jekyll will follow wherever you lead! Um…I’m too much of a good Catholic to mock that
I need to see No glasses, thanks
The truth other men cannot see So how am I supposed to see it?
To be things that others can't be! But I’m happy being what I am!
Give me courage to go
Where no angel will go! That’s right, give me the tough job
And I will go! When I have time
I need to know! why I’m singing this song, that is
Whew, at least that’s over.
Bramble: YOU BUTCHERED IT! LEMME AT ‘IM!! *thrashes*
Bahorel: *holds Bramble at arm’s length* Now, now, have you skipped taking your medication today?
Bramble: I don’t take medication you idiot!
Javert: Maybe it’s time you started.
Bramble: GRRR!!! *thrashes*
Valjean: Now, now, you shouldn’t get so worked up. It’s just a song.
Enjolras: *holds up a tranquilizer and raises eyebrows*
Bahorel: Ah, there’s our solution. Here, give me that--
Bramble: NO! Don’t! Please! I’ll calm down, I promise!
Bramble: *nods furiously*
Combeferre: *consulting stack of papers* Actually, we aren’t allowed to tranquilize her. According to article XI--
Javert: Just paraphrase, four-eyes!
Combeferre: Very funny, Inspector Nark. Now, as I was saying--
Javert: Oh, now who are you calling a nark, Bright Eyes?!
Combeferre: You, Numbskull!
Javert: Oh, a numbskull eh--
Bramble: Ah, shaddup you two. Just put me down, I’m better now.
Bahorel: Fine, my arms are getting tired anyway…*sets Bramble down*
Bramble: Thank you. *brushes self off* Now, Javert and Combeferre, both of you had better be quiet and stop fighting.
Javert: Or what, captress?
Bramble: Or I shave off your sideburns!
Javert: You wouldn’t!
Bramble: You’re right, I wouldn’t. But I will confiscate your official police baton!
Javert: *clutches baton protectively*
Combeferre: Oh? Is that all?
Bramble: Nope. For you I’ll take away your books until further notice. Now, let’s get going again, ‘kay people??
Combeferre: That was low…
Valjean: *consulting script* ‘Façade’? That’s the next song?
Bramble: Yuppers. Here we’ll need Patron-Minette as random townspeople.
Patron-Minette: *grumble as they line up*
Bramble: All righty then…and here we go!
Townspeople: There's a face that we wear
In the cold light of day - Day is cold? I couldn’t tell
It's society's must
It's society's way I hadn’t noticed
And the truth is
That it's all a façade! Oh really? Do tell
There's a face that we hide
Till the nighttime appears Just because it’s more fun that way
And what's hiding inside Aw, don’t hide
Behind all of our fears Who me? I ain’t scared of anything!
Is our true self I see
Locked inside the façade! Lock it up and throw away the key, that’s right
Every day Why not every other day? Such a commitment
People in their own sweet way People aren’t THAT sweet
Like to add a coat of paint Kinda messy, don’t you think?
And be what they ain't! But why?
That's how our little
Game is played, That’s right, make fudge, pop popcorn, play Monopoly…good fun
Livin' like a masquerade That would get tiresome
Actin' a bizarre charade - How bizarre can it be?
While playing the saint! Unless you’re Patron-Minette, that is
Townspeople: But there's one thing I know
And I know it for sure: Well, why don’t you divulge that information?
This disease that we've got
Has got no ready cure! Oh dear, I guess we’re all doomed them
And I'm certain
Life is terribly hard -
When your life's a façade! You just noticed?
Look around you! I’m looking! I’m looking!
I have found a penny! Heh heh
You cannot tell by lookin' at the surface
What is lurkin' there beneath it! *Jaws theme music*
See that face!
Now, I'm prepared to bet you
What you see's not what you get - No equivalency here?
'Cause man's a master of deceit! Of course that ability varies from person to person
So, what is the sinister secret? I’m waiting…
The lie he will tell you is true: No truth to be seen, hmm?
It's that each man you meet
In the street
Isn't one man but two! Les Gasp! How terrifying!
Nearly everyone you see - Everyone? How about St. Valjean over there?
Like him an' her,
An' you, an' me - Excluding no one, I see
Pretends to be
A pillar of society - Javert would like to be known to have pulled it off
A model for propriety - Excluding PM again
Who shudders at the thought
Of notoriety! Um…that excludes several people here
The ladies an' gents 'ere before you - Lovely ladies and handsome gents, eh? *dissolve in laughter*
Which none of 'em ever admits - I’m dying to hear
May 'ave saintly looks I beg to differ
But they're sinners an' crooks! Now that’s more like it!
Hypocrites! Yup! There we go!
Hypocrites! Hey, didn’t we already have this line?
There are preachers who kill! Really?
There are killers who preach! Dear me
There are teachers who lie! Good gracious
There are liars who teach! And that’s the end of those silly phrases
Take yer pick, dear - But why? It’s so fun to be undecided
"Cause it's all a façade! Oh really…
If we're not one, but two,
Are we evil or good? What makes you think we care?
Do we walk the fine line -
That we'd cross if we could? Or you could just forego the fine line
Are we waiting -
To break through the façade? Are we? I don’t know
One or two That’s it?
Might look kinda well-to-do - Paging St. Valjean
Hah! They're bad as me an' you, Oh, all of our preconceived notions are ruined! Destroyed! Agh, we can’t stand it anymore!
Right down their boots! You can’t just wear the boots, you have to be the boots
I'm inclined to think - Really?
Half mankind Just half. Hmm.
Thinks the other half is blind! What if there’s an odd number of people?? *les gasp*
Wouldn't be surprised to find - Do we even know what we’re looking for?
They're all in cahoots! Oh no! The horror! Working together, what an abomination!
At the end of the day You’re another day older!! Oh…wait a second, wrong musical
They don't mean what they say You mean you didn’t like that sweater I gave you for a Christmas present? *wibble*
They don't say what they mean So insincere!
They don't ever come clean - What’ve you been in, tar? Go wash up!
And the answer -
Is it's all a façade! Pretty inconclusive to me
Is it's all a façade! Repeating it doesn’t make it any more conclusive
Man is not one but two Haven’t we gone over this already?
He is evil and good Ho hum…
An' he walks the fine line Get rid of the dumb line already!
We'd all cross if we could! Who’s ‘we’?
It's a nightmare - Ooh, so terrifying
We can never discard - That’s depressing
So we stay on our guard - En gard, fool!
Though we love the façade - We do?
What's behind the façade? Gee, I dunno
Look behind the façade!
Bramble: Bravo! Sort of…
Enjolras: And what was wrong with that?
Bramble: You only butchered, maimed, and left for roadkill that song, that’s all. *pouts*
Thenardier: Well excuse us if we aren’t up to prime performing mode!
Bramble: Performance wasn’t what I was looking for! Although a little more emotion would have been nice. I just mean--oh, never mind. On to the next song.
Grantaire: *raises hand and opens mouth to speak*
Bramble: Don’t even! I refuse to acknowledge your presence, winecask! And there will be no breaks!
Grantaire: *shakes head* I jusht wanted to know if ya had anything to eat around here, captresh. We don’t get fed very often ‘round here.
Bramble: Eh…now that’s a different matter…jerky, anyone?
Javert: We’ve been eating jerky for the past week. No thanks.
Combeferre: How about a dinner like we had during the Phantom play?
Bramble: No! That took far too long and completely distracted us from the play!
Combeferre: *shrugs* Suit yourself.
Bramble: No, I have a good idea. Instead of making food we’ll just go for leftovers. ‘Kay?
Valjean: That doesn’t sound very appetizing.
Bramble: This is: authentic gumbo with shrimp fresh from Louisiana!
All: *blank stare*
Bramble: Oh, don’t tell me you guys don’t know what gumbo is.
Enjolras: To be honest we don’t…
Courfeyrac: I don’t care. Just as long as it’s food--
Grantaire: Hear hear!
Bramble: I see no one’s picky--it can’t be worse than bad oysters from the Café Musain. Now here’s the gumbo, there are bowls and spoons and there’s a microwave. Knock yourselves out.
All: *another round of blank staring*
Combeferre: And why would we knock ourselves out?
Bramble: I meant enjoy! Stop being so literal, peoples!
Gavroche: *pokes microwave* Wot’s this, then?
Bramble: *facepalm* You put your food in the bowl, put the bowl in the microwave, set it for a minute or so, and presto: your food is nuked to a temperature that is pleasant for eating. I’m not hungry, so go ahead and eat and do your own dishes. Thank you. *bows and storms backstage mumbling about tea*
Javert: Well. That was a relief.
Enjolras: Ah, with the departure of that criminally-inspired juvenile the air suddenly grows sweeter… *continues rambling*
Courfeyrac: *starts heating up gumbo*
Combeferre: *looks at the gumbo* Ugh. I’m going to find a decent French meal. *wanders off towards the kitchen*
Enjolras: *standing on a tables gesturing furiously* …yes, citoyans, that female demon is inspired by the monarchy! We must rise up against this despot, this tyrant, this enemy of freedom! For if we don’t…*continues*
Bramble: *pokes her head back in* All right, that’s enough of that talk!
Javert: *jerks from his sitting/half-snoozing position on the edge of the stage* Hey, don’t be so loud.
Combeferre: *comes back with a plate of chicken cordon bleu* Now THAT is what I call a good French meal.
Bramble: What did I say about cooking--hey, those smell pretty good…*drifts towards the chicken cordon bleu*
Combeferre: You protested it, so you can’t have any. *protects plate with hands*
Bramble: Aw, you’re no fun anymore. *produces cup of tea* Courfey, don’t forget to put that food away!
Courfeyrac: Yes, master…
Bramble: *notices Javert sleeping whilst sitting up* Hmm…*lightbulb moment*
Valjean: I wouldn’t do anything to him when he’s like that, you’re liable to draw back a bloody stump.
Bramble: *ties a feather onto a long pole* Not if I’m over here. *creeps over and pokes stick at Javert’s face. Before the feather can touch Javert’s face he has opened his eyes, neatly yanked the stick from Bramble’s hands, and whacked her in the knee*
Bramble: OW!!! *hops around holding knee*
Javert: And that shows you not to mess with the law. Even if he is taking a nap. *places tip of pole on the floor and leans against it*
Bramble: Ow, ow, ow…*examines knee* How’d you know I was there if you were sleeping? Or weren’t you?
Javert: When an expectant hush falls across a particularly noisy group, something bad usually follows. And I was sleeping, for your information--until the expectant hush, that is.
Bramble: And I just got rid of that one bruise on my knee. *rubs injured party*
Javert: Not my problem.
Jareth: *saunters into the room* Bad form, old chap! Hitting of girls--tsk, tsk.
Bramble: *double-take* Where’d you come from?? Where’s your captress??
Jareth: Hopefully still at home with the colonel. She doesn’t know I’m out and about yet.
Bramble: Go away! Go home--I don’t have a part that calls for fantasy creatures from the ‘80s!
Les Mis cast: *is looking around in confusion, mouthing ‘who is he?’
Jareth: *notices confusion* Ah, I’m forgetting my manners. I am Jareth, the Goblin King and Lord of the Labyrinth. *bows*
Courfeyrac: Why do I get the feeling we’re being mocked?
Jareth: Mocked? Whatever would make you think that?
Col. William Tavington: *walking onstage* Perhaps your ironically sarcastic air gives that impression. Believe me, it doesn’t go away.
Bramble: AUGH! Another one! Why are you guys even here??
Tavington: Jareth was going teleporting and I tagged along. ‘Tis quite interesting, once you get used to it.
Jareth: The reason we are here is because we heard by way of the captress that you were performing play, and we’re here to get parts.
Bramble: Everyone’s already cast.
Jareth: Oh, flippin ‘ell. And we came all this way, too.
Tavington: Fine with me, being an audience member suits me fine.
Bramble: *now has a blank stare* We have an audience?
Enjolras: All I see are rows of empty seats--oh. *points to the far door, where numerous characters from various fandoms are filing in*
Javert: *peers out* Looks like the other fandoms are getting in on it…
Bramble: I didn’t invite anyone! What’s up with this??
Combeferre: Apparently they heard about is, so they’re coming to watch.
Marius: Augh! The pressure’s on! *reels around clutching head*
Bahorel: I’ll act as bouncer! *races for the door*
Valjean: Is there anyone who needs bounced…?
Bramble: *facepalm* Great. Just great. *glowers as a man with sun-bleached hair taps her shoulder* What??
Captain William Laurence: The dragons wish to attend as well, Miss Captress, but there’s the minor issue of the door. *points at double-doors; a black dragon can barely fit his nose in them*
Bramble: Er…ah…what do you want me to do about it?
Laurence: Temeraire has an idea for making a larger door by tearing parts of the wall off--
Bramble: *sees a commotion involving Bahorel and a small person in a red coat* Um, I’ll see what I can do about it…*scurries over to commotion*
Bahorel: Sorry, but you have to check all weapons at the door--
Edward Elric: I don’t have any weapons! My arm doesn’t count!
Bahorel: Coulda fooled me, pipsqueak.
Ed: *screams* Who are you calling a pipsqueak so small he could ride on the back of a grasshopper?!?!?
Bramble: *shoves between Bahorel and Ed* Hey, whoa, guys! Bahorel, let him past. He’s okay.
Bahorel: *glowers and lets Ed through*
Ed: We’re not through here, lunkhead. *threatening gesture*
Bahorel: Bring it, shrimp!
Ed: *snarl spit hiss*
Alphonse: Remember your temper, brother…
Bramble: *melts upon seeing Al* Aw…you’re so cute!! Here, have a cat! *hands him Elizabeth the cat and spazzes*
Al: Um…thanks, I guess? *quickly scurries away with Ed*
Bahorel: You have weird tastes, captress. *shakes head*
Bramble: *composes self* Right. So, the door…*peers out door to see Temeraire, Volly, and Arkady waiting patiently*
Temeraire: Thank you for seeing to this, mademoiselle. Now, my idea is--
Bramble: *raises hands* I give you full permission to make the door bigger as long as you don’t roar and no one gets hurt. I would love to talk but I have to keep the throng relatively commotion-free. *scurries off*
Temeraire: Oh. Thank you.
Bramble: *races over to stage* All right, ‘Ferre, you got the PA hooked up?
Combeferre: To the best of my knowledge, yes. *brushes hands off* This is really quite fascinating on a scientific level--
Bramble: *picks up a mike* Is this thing on? Ah, yes it is. All right people! First, I’m glad you’re all here--
Courfeyrac: She wasn’t when they showed up.
Bramble: --regardless of what the Mizzies may say. Don’t listen to them. Second, no bickering in the aisles or I bring out the hose!!
Valjean: Perhaps that’s a bit extreme, captress.
Javert and Bramble: No it’s not. *do double-takes at each other and shake heads*
Bramble: *out of mike reach* I need some semblance of order around here, and that’s the easiest way.
Javert: As long as no one asks what the hose is.
Bramble: An empty threat is almost as good as a full threat. *back on mike* And third, have a good time. Thank you for your kind attention. *turns off mike*
Random voice: Kind? I think not…
Bramble: *turns mike back on* Chauvelin, as a member of the audience you are bound by an agreement to not be snarky within my hearing. You can only be snarky if you’re in a play. And now, the next scene. *zips offstage*
To be continued...
Take me home!
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