Phantom of the Opera (pt. 5)
**at the stage**
Bramble: Okay, lessee. We left off at the end of the first act, right? Onto the second act! This starts with Masquerade, a very fun song.
*Marius and Valjean come upon each other outside the Opera Populaire during a masquerade ball. Each pulls their mask off and greets the other*
Marius: Monsieur André! I thought your name was Valjean
Valjean: Monsieur Firmin! I supposed we have to mind the rhyme scheme
Marius: Dear André, what a splendid party! It’s pretty mediocre
The prologue to a bright new year! I thought it was just the middle of May
Quite a night, I’m impressed To a certain extent of course
Valjean: Well, one does one’s best! I didn’t have to do a thing
Marius: Here’s to us! And to hoping we get out of this play soon
Valjean: The toast of all the city Really?
Marius: What a pity that the Phantom isn’t here! He’s right backstage!
All: Masquerade! At last, a real French word
Paper faces on parade Not plastic?
Hide your face
So the world will never find you That doesn’t really make sense
Every face a different shade Rainbow colors!
There’s another mask behind you Yikes, scary
Paris women: Flash of mauve Can mauve flash?
Splash of puce What color is puce, anyway?
Amis: Fool and king Going for opposites now I see
Ghoul and goose Goose…now I’m hungry
Paris women: Green and black Those compliment each other well
Queen and priest Are those even related?
Trace of rogue Ugh, makeup
Face of beast Beauty and the Beast!
All: Faces! Shouldn’t that be masks?
Take your turn On what?
Take a ride Fine, we know when we’re not wanted!
On the merry-go-round Those are kind of creepy
Of an inhuman race Aliens!
Paris women: Eye of gold Never seen golden eyes
Thigh of blue Ugh, don’t even go there
True is false Really?
Who is who? Gee, I dunno
Curl of lip No need to be sarcastic
Swirl of gown Ooh, pretty
Ace of hearts Not queen of hearts?
Face of clown Nice change from beast
Drink it in Yuck, drinking faces
Drink it up What if we don’t wanna?
’Till you’ve drowned in the light in the sound I don’t wanna drown!
Enjolras and Eponine: But who can name the face? I sure can’t
Grinning yellows, spinning reds Now I’m getting dizzy
Take your fill I already ate, thanks
Let the spectacle astound you It could be better
Shining blotches, turning heads Blotches?
Stop and stare *stare*
At the sea of smiles around you How about a kaleidoscope?
Leering satyrs, burning eyes Ah! My eyes!
You can fool
Any friend who ever knew you Why would you do that?
Seething shadows, breathing lies Imposter!
Run and hide
But a face will still pursue you Aah! Scary!
Fantine: What a night!
Cosette: What a crowd! There aren’t that many people here
Valjean: Makes you glad To a certain extent
Marius: Makes you proud No pride hereOf all the crém de la crém Wow, French again!
Azelma: Watching us watching them! Ah, people watching!
Marius and Valjean: Six months Wow, six whole months? It was only one night
Montparnesse and Azelma: Of relief of delight Could be better
Valjean: Of Elysian peace! That’s a bit of an exaggeration
Fantine and Cosette: And we can breath at last!
Fantine: No more notes! Yay!
Montparnesse: No more ghost! Wishful thinking methinks
Fantine: Here’s to health!
Valjean: Here’s a toast:
To a prosperous year That’s the best he can think of??
Marius: To our friends who are here! Well, sort of friends…
Fantine and Cosette: And may our splendor never fade!
Fantine: What a joy!
Cosette: What a change! Not much of a change in my opinion
Marius and Valjean: What a blessed release From what?
Fantine: And what a masquerade!
Eponine: Think of it I don’t wanna!
A secret engagement! Oh, yuck…
Look, your future bride! Don’t even go there!!
Just think of it— Please, don’t think of it
Enjolras: But why is it secret? Gee, I wonder why…
What have we to hide? I don’t have anything to hide
Eponine: Please, let’s not fight Oh let’s!
Wait ’til the time is right It’s like baking a cake
Enjolras: Christine you’re free
When will that be? That halfway made sense…
It’s an engagement, not a crime Maybe to some people!
Christine, what are you afraid of? That’s a stupid question
Eponine: Let’s not argue But it’s so fun!
Please pretend you will understand Methinks we’re avoiding reality here
Enjolras: Let’s not argue A halfway decent suggestion, that
I can only hope I will understand
In time Somehow I don’t think I will
Paper faces on parade Haven’t we sung this before?
Masquerade! So we have
Hide your face
So the world will never find you
Every face a different shade
There’s another mask behind you
Shining blotches, turning heads
Stop and stare
At the sea of smiles around you
Grinning yellows, spinning reds
Take your fill
Let the spectacle astound you
*Javert appears to crash the party. He is dressed as Red Death and stalks down the stairs slowly and purposefully*
Javert: Why so silent, good messieurs? Cat got your tongue?Did you think that I had left you for good? Too bad, I’m here to stayHave you missed me, good messieurs? Probably not, eh?I have written you an opera! Pretty good for someone who can’t write music*he pulls a huge leatherbound volume from beneath his cloak*
Here I bring the finished score: How long was this supposed to take?
Don Juan Triumphant! *he tosses the book at Marius and Valjean and unsheathes a bright sword. As he speaks he carelessly swings it around*
Bramble: Um…please, please be careful, Javvie…
Javert: Not if you keep calling me that. *swings sword around even more carelessly*
Bramble: I don’t know if I can watch this…*hides eyes*
Courfeyrac: We’ll tell you if someone loses their arm or something.
Bramble: Bleagh, just go away!
Javert: A few instructions just before rehearsal starts: Just a few?Carlotta must be taught to act *he pokes her headdress with the sword*
Not her normal trick of strutting ’round the stage! Ooh, burn…*Montparnesse steps forward indignantly but stops as the Phantom prods his
Our Don Juan must lose some weight
It’s not healthy in a man of Piangi’s age! Double burn
*he turns to Firmin and André, who quail under his gaze*
Javert: I though quail were little birds.
Bramble: It’s an expression, Javert.
Javert: And my managers must learn
That their place is in an office, not the arts! This guy needs to learn some people skillsAs for our star *he sheathes the sword*
Miss Christine Daaé: Oh, playing favorites now, eh?No doubt she’ll do her best And overconfidenceIt’s true, her voice is good Really? I couldn’t tellBut should she wish to excel She sure could do thatShe has much still to learn *nods wisely*If pride would let her return to me She’s proud?Her teacher *he stares at Eponine*
Her teacher… Watch me use my mind-control…*Eponine, as if in a trance, comes forward to where Javert stands. They stare at each other, but the spell is broken. He notices the ring on a chain around her neck and tears it off, snarling furiously in her face*
Javert: What, like this? *gets in Eponine’s face*
Eponine: Back off, weirdo! *kicks him in the shin*
Javert: Yow! *jumps back*
Bramble: Guys! Gals! Enough! Man, they’re acting punchy…
Javert: Your chains are still mine! I don’t see any chains
You belong to me! Ultra-possessive are we?
*Eponine watches in dismay as Javert runs up the stairs onto a landing. With a last accusing stare his cloak bursts into flame as he drops through a trapdoor disguised as a seal in the floor*
Javert: Yaah! I’m on fire!! *throws off flaming cloak*
Courfeyrac: *tosses a bucket of water on Javert*
Javert: Aaahh! That’s cold!
Enjolras: Heh heh…
Bahorel: *grabs some ice cubes from the freezer and starts throwing them at people*
Bramble: Whoa, whoa people! *gets hit with an ice cube* Ow!
Bahorel: *blows a raspberry*
Grantaire: ICE BREAK!! *chucks ice cubes*
Bramble: *ducks behind a set piece*
**After ice supply has been depleted**
Jehan: *slips on an ice cube* Whoa!
Bramble: *peeks out* You guys are going to have to clean that up, you know.
Jehan: *picks himself up and goes to the closet* Broom, anyone?
Bahorel: *takes broom and starts riding it around the room*
Feuilly: That’s not how you ride a broom!
Bahorel: Then why don’t you show us, fan-boy?
Feuilly: Fine, I will. *starts riding broom around the stage*
Bramble: This is getting out of hand…
Jehan: *sweeps ice cubes*
Joly: *picks up a mop* Hmm…
Enjolras: *shrinks against wall* I am not associated with these people whatsoever.
Eponine: You’re in denial.
Marius: That’s a river in Egypt!
Eponine: *puts Scarlet Pimpernel CD in player; it skips to The Riddle*
CD: See the moon slink down in the sky, darling
Let your fantasies fly darling
Life is cold
And the game is old
Joly: *waltzes by dancing with mop*
Bramble: Back away from the CD player!
Eponine: Never! *goes into attack stance*
CD: Just see how virtue repays you
You turn and someone betrays you
Betray him first
And the game’s reversed
For we all are caught in the middle
Of one long treacherous riddle
Can I trust you?
Should you trust me too?
Javert: Surely you aren’t afraid of a street girl, crazy authoress.
Bramble: Of course not!
Eponine: Come on then!
Bramble: *glowers* Fine.
**dust cloud commences**
Courfeyrac: Ten francs on the crazy authoress.
Joly: *stops dancing* Ow, that must have hurt.
Jehan: *winces* Ooh, ouch.
Javert: She’s tougher than she looks.
**dust cloud clears**
Bramble: *has Eponine in a headlock*
Eponine: *has Bramble in a finger hold*
Enjolras and Valjean: *each grab one and pull them apart*
Valjean: What is this fighting all about? Someone tear these two apart! This is a factory, not a circus--
Javert: Nice try, convict.
Valjean: Slip of the tongue. But seriously.
CD: Can I run to you?
Are you true to me?
I’ll do unto you
As you do to--
Feuilly: *stops CD*
Bramble: Thank you, Feuilly.
Feuilly: No probs.
Eponine: She started it!
Javert: I ought to throw both of you in jail for disturbance of the peace!
Bramble: *shoots Javert a dirty look*
Javert: One more look like that and I’ll do it, too!
Bramble: Can we just get back to the play?
Eponine: I don’t want to do the play!
Valjean: Let’s compromise. Authoress, if we do three more scenes do you promise to give us a real break?
Bramble: *nods grudgingly* I suppose.
Enjolras: *releases Eponine*
Valjean: *releases Bramble*
Bramble: Thank you. *flexes hand that was twisted* Ow, that really hurt. Let’s see…oh! The fair scene! Gavroche, you finally get a part!
**Enjolras follows Fantine backstage in an attempt to find the truth about Javert*
Enjolras: Mdme. Giry, wait!
Fantine: No, monsieur, I know no more than anyone else!
Enjolras: That’s not true!
Fantine: Monsieur, don’t ask! There have been too many accidents--
Enjolras: Accidents? Please, Mdme. Giry--for all our sakes.
Fantine: *sighs* Come with me.
*she leads him to a deserted room and begins her tale*
Fantine: It was years ago. There was a traveling fair in the city. Gypsies. I was young, training to be a ballerina in the Opera…*fades out*
**fade-in to see Fantine as a young girl traveling through a gypsy side-show; people that can fold up on themselves, fire-breathers, etc crowd the ‘memory’**
Bahorel: Now this is a job I could get used to! *breathes out more fire*
Courfeyrac: *is struggling to get his foot behind his head* This is one that would take some getting used to.
Cosette: *standing in as young Fantine* Ugh, how long do I have to do this?
Bramble: Just for one scene.
Creepy gypsy: Come! Come! Come inside! Come and see the Devil’s Child!
**little ballet rats are hustled in to see a small figure hunched in the middle of a filthy cage. He is dressed only in a pair of too-big pants and a cloth bag over his head. His attention is on a small stuffed animal that he clutches protectively in his hands**
Bramble: Thenardier, are you even trying to be creepy?
Gavroche: *from underneath bag* Can we get on with it? I’m suffocating under here.
Bramble: Oh. Okay, now you have to beat Gavroche with a stick, Thenardier. *hands him a stick*
Thenardier: It’s not even real!
Bramble: You aren’t REALLY supposed to beat him, just look like you are. Since I don’t trust you I’m giving you a painted water noodle.
Thenardier: *mutters about stupid authors*
Thenardier: *‘beats’ Gavroche with water noodle and rips the bag off his face*
Everyone: *general pandemonium*
Cosette: *looks sad and thoughtful*
Gavroche: *crawls around in a pathetic manner and pulls bag back over head*
*People exit the tent, throwing coins at Thenardier. Thenardier scrambles around picking up the money greedily*
Bramble: Okay, Gavroche strangles the brutal owner, Cosette saves him from an angry mob, blah blah blah, now we skip to a different song!
Gavroche: Aw man, I only got about two minutes!
Bramble: Too bad! Let’s see, Enjolras sleeps outside of Eponine’s door, Eponine gets up early in order to visit her father’s grave. Javert hijacks a carriage and ‘kidnaps’ Eponine--
Bramble: *talking louder* Then Enjolras wakes up, sees Eponine heading off in a carriage, and gives chase on horseback.
Enjolras: Ugh, horses again…
Bramble: Don’t worry, this one is nice.
Horse: *kicks at Enjolras*
Bramble: Most of the time, anyway. *smacks said horse with a two-by-four across the rump*
Enjolras: *manages to get on horse and gallop dramatically for about fifty feet before the horse bucks him off*
Bramble: Never mind, I got some footage anyway.
Enjolras: *picking himself out of the gravel* Ow, ow, ow…
Bramble: Here’s some comfrey salve. On to Eponine!
Eponine: In sleep he sang to me
In dreams he came
That voice which calls to me
And speaks my name…
*Carriage pulls up to graveyard; Eponine walks slowly through the tombstones*
Jehan: There might be ghosts, you know.
Eponine: *halts* Like ghosts scare me.
Courfeyrac: *leaps out from behind a tombstone* Yaah!
Jehan and Eponine: AAAAAAUUUUGGGHH!! *Jehan leaps into Eponine’s arms*
Bramble: Oh stop it! They’re just cardboard anyway! *knocks over tombstone to prove point*
Eponine: You big baby. *drops him*
Jehan: It COULD have been a ghost.
Javert: *looks bored whilst inspecting police baton* Just get on with the scene.
Bramble: Right, right. So, Eponine, if you would…?
Eponine: Little Lotte thought of everything and nothing. Isn’t that an oxymoron?
Her father promised that he would send her the Angel of Music. No comment
Her father promised her. I’m sure he did
Her father promised her… Why am I repeating myself?
You were once my one companion Who am I talking about again?
You were all that mattered Like wealth? That matters!
You were once a friend and father I’m confused…are we talking about the Phantom or my dad?
Then my world was shattered This song makes no sense whatsoever
Wishing you were somehow here again Actually, you can stay far, far away, Papa.
Wishing you were somehow near Not really
Sometimes it seemed What seemed?
If I just dreamed Ooh, rhyming
Somehow you would be here No comment
Wishing I could hear your voice again That screeching thing? No thanks!
Knowing that I never would Yay!
Dreaming of you Can’t I dream something else?
Won’t help me to do
All that you dreamed I could What, marry ‘Parnesse and become a lady thief?
Montparnesse: *gags in the background*
Eponine: Passing bells and sculpted angels All I see are cheap cardboard tombstones
Cold and monumental Or just plain corny
Seem for you the wrong companions I beg to differ
You were warm and gentle *doubles over in a fit of laughter*
Too many years How many again? Thirteen? Fourteen? That’s a long time
Fighting back tears Just let it all out!
Why can’t the past just die? It already died
Wishing you were somehow here again Not really
Knowing we must say goodbye Bye, dad! *waves*
Try to forgive I’ll never forgive!
Teach me to live I already know how to live
Give me the strength to try My character is so weak…
No more memories None?
No more silent tears Yay!
No more gazing across the wasted years I think we have a problem
Help me say good-bye! I can say goodbye! Watch:
Help me say good-bye!Goodbye! *waves* That was rather a pointless song.
Bramble: It’s supposed to be mourning the death of her father, quit being so cynical. We needed to get her into the cemetery somehow.
Eponine: I’m sticking to my opinion.
Javert: Oh, fine. Here we go, then.
Javert: Wandering child, so lost, so helpless I’m sure
Yearning for my guidance Oh please
Eponine: Angel or father? Neither, fortunately
Friend or phantom? Well, you sure aren’t my friend
Who is it there staring? ‘I spy with my little eye…’
Javert: Have you forgotten your angel? *feigns surprise* Surely not!
Eponine: Angel, oh speak Forget I said that!
What endless longings Ew!
Echo in this whisper Now we’re going all poetic, eh?
Javert: Too long you’ve wandered in winter It’s winter? I haven’t noticed
Far from my fathering gaze Ugh, so now he’s pretending to be her father again?
Eponine: *in counterpoint* Wildly my mind beats against you Lemme go!
Yet the soul obeys Not!
Angel of Music, I denied you You betcha!
Turning from true beauty *laughs helplessly* Beauty? Hah!
Angel of Music, my protector
Come to me, strange angel
Javert: *in counterpoint* You resist You’ll never win against the law!
Yet your soul obeys See what I mean?
Angel of Music, you denied me Justice will always prevail
Turning from true beauty Are you challenging my masculinity?
Angel of Music, do not shun me I’ll beat you to it
Come to your strange angel This is one of the stupidest songs I’ve ever had the privilege to sing, ugh…
Javert: I am your Angel of Music Nuh-uh!
Come to me: Angel of Music Keep your distance, you dirty street rat!
I am your Angel of Music Didn’t I already take care of this?
Come to me: Angel of Music That line is getting old…
Bramble: Okeydokey, Enjolras comes galloping up on the horse--
Enjolras: I’m not getting on that beast ever again.
Bramble: Oh please!
Enjolras: I’m still picking gravel out of my hands and knees.
Bramble: Sorry about that…if you have any better ideas I’m open to them.
Enjolras: I’ll just run up from the gate.
Bramble: *sighs in exasperation* Fine. So, Enjolras comes running up from the gate, tries to take Eponine away, and gets in a swordfight with Javert--
Javert: What about the flamethrower?
Bramble: This is the movie we’re doing, so DEAL WITH IT!!
Javert: *snaps fingers* Ah, dang. I was looking forward to using that.
Bramble: It’s not much, it just spits sparks. See? *gets out stage flamethrower; it only shoots sparks*
Javert: *looks disappointed* Oh.
Bramble: Okay. So, here ya go Javvie--*hands him a sword*
Enjolras: *reluctantly brandishes his own sword* Might as well get this over with.
Javert: I suppose. *waits in a ready stance*
Enjolras: *starts fight*
Combeferre: *observing* Enjolras is pretty good.
Feuilly: The inspector isn’t too shabby, either.
Courfeyrac: Did Enjolras take fencing lessons at one time?
Combeferre: I dunno.
Jehan: Ouch, first blood! *faints*
Joly: Enjolras is nicked!
Les Amis: *gasp*
Bramble: COME ON JAVVIE!! KICK HIS REVOLUTIONIST BEHIND!!
Marius: Well, we all know where her loyalties lie…
Courfeyrac: *thwacks Marius on the back of the head* Excellent observance, genius.
Eponine: COME ON ENJY!! OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP-*bleep* ON HIS MONARCHIST HEAD!!
Valjean: Girls, please, don’t carry on so, you know who is supposed to win anyway.
Bramble: But I want to make sure Enjolras EARNS his victory!
Eponine: Of course he’ll earn it--it’s not like he’ll take unorthodox methods to win--
Courfeyrac: Enjolras just elbowed Javert in the stomach!
Eponine: Or not…
Bramble: Enjolras! No hitting!
Enjolras: He cut me!
Javert: *wheeze* It’s in the *gasp* script, you moron!
Enjolras: I don’t care! *starts up fight again*
Bramble: Mayhaps this is getting out of hand…
Combeferre: Excellent observation, authoress.
Bramble: Guys! Cut! Cut! Cut!
Courfeyrac: They’re not stopping…
Bramble: Bahorel, break ‘em up!
Bahorel: I don’t think so--it’s just getting fun.
Eponine: Come on Enjy!
Les Amis: *form a sort of cheering section* Enjy, Enjy, he’s our man, if he can’t do it nobody can!
Enjolras: *manages to win*
Bramble: Now you see, people, I didn’t change the script so that Javert wins, I do have some decency left.
Enjolras: Good fight, Inspector.
Javert: I’m still trying to figure out how you won, boy.
Enjolras: Ah, beginner’s luck.
Bramble: *grumbling* Not only does he win, he has to be a good winner! Why? Why? *glowers*
Grantaire: *looks up blearily* What’d I mish? *hic*
Courfeyrac: Enjolras won a swordfight against Javert.
Grantaire: *stands in a semi-upright position, sways* And ya didn’t wake me up? I wanted to shee…
Bahorel: Hey, the authoress is distracted. *inhales* BREA--
Bramble: NO BREAKS!! We’ve got six scenes left--hup hup hup! *hustles everyone off the stage*
Enjolras: We have all been blind I can see quite well
And yet the answer is staring us in the face! Really?
This could be the chance to ensnare our clever friend… Fascinating.
Enjolras, Valjean, Marius: The curtain falls Oh please, let it be done already!
His reign will end! If that means the end of the play, that’s fantastic
*Down in the Opera chapel*
Eponine: Raoul, I’m frightened. Don’t make me do this-- Just go away!
Raoul, it scares me…don’t put me through this ordeal by fire! Ooh, fire…
He’ll take me, I know No comment
We’ll be parted forever Hallelujah!
He won’t let me go Oh, rats. And here I got all my hopes up.
What I once used to dream, I now dread What’s to dread about an empty stomach?
And if he finds me, it won’t ever end That doesn’t make any sense
And he’ll always be there singing songs in my head A hell unto itself…
He’ll always be there singing songs in my head… Nooo!!
Enjolras: You said yourself he was nothing but a man That’s redundant
Yet while he lives he will haunt us till we’re dead That sounds like a familiar trait
Javert: Just because I am faithful to my job--
Bramble: Guys! Enough!
Eponine: Twisted every way Ow, painful
What answer can I give? How about I don’t and just leave?
Can I betray the man
Who once inspired my voice?
Do I become his prey
Do I have any choice don‘t I wish…[skip to next scene]
Javert: Seal my fate tonight
I hate to have to cut the fun short But if it means ending this play--
But the joke’s wearing this You have no idea
Let the audience in Oh, now there’s spectators? Yeesh…
Let my opera begin! How many times do I have to say it, I can’t write music
Bramble: *looking through script* Okay…who all wants to do Don Juan?
Combeferre: Wow, someone’s feeling nice.
Bramble: Just give me a vote. Show of hands, anyone?
Courfeyrac: None that I see.
Bramble: Okay, that’s all good and well. We just won’t do it.
Javert: What’s the catch?
Bramble: No catch. *tears up page that has the song*
Enjolras: I don’t trust her, for some reason.
Bramble: My gosh, people, there’s no catch! Stop being so suspicious!
Javert: Just going from experience…
Bramble: *hits ‘play’ button on CD player* Shut up and start singing! Wait…that was kind of an oxymoron, wasn’t it? Ah well. ‘Point of No Return’, everyone!
On to part 6!
Take me home!
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