Phantom of the Opera (pt. 6)
Javert: *gets a sinking expression**some sort of fleeing occurs*
Bahorel: Got ’im!
Javert: Leggo you lummox-- *elbows Bahorel in the stomach*
Bahorel: *grimly hangs on*
Bramble: Hey, hey--
Javert: *slips out of Bahorel’s grasp* I refuse! You can’t make me!
Bramble: WE ONLY HAVE TWO SONGS LEFT YOU MORON!!
Javert: I don’t care! *darts backstage*
Bramble: *face palm* Of all the idiots I have to deal with…*gets out tranquilizer gun*
Enjolras: Whoa…that’s pretty extensive, isn’t it?
Bramble: Not with what we’re dealing with. *goes backstage*
Marius: I wish he’d cooperate so we’d just be done with it already.
Valjean: This is Javert you’re dealing with. The king of bull-headedness and all that.
Courfeyrac: I’m getting bored…
Bramble: Got him!
Enjolras: That was fast.
Bramble: *drags unconscious Javert back onstage* Man, he’s not very heavy, considering how tall he is.
Valjean: Now we have to wait for him to wake up though.
Bramble: Surely there’s someone that I can use for a replacement…
Bramble: Why is it whenever I say anything like that all the eligible males vanish?
Courfeyrac: *looks very unhappy dressed in Don Juan’s uniform* I still don’t see why we can’t wait.
Bramble: I’m on a time constraint here! NaNoWriMo is fast approaching!
Bahorel: You’re insane to do that.
Bramble: I know. I like my life to be ruled with insanity. *pats Courfeyrac on the back* Well? You’re up, Courfey!
Courfeyrac: I will never be able to forgive you.
Courfeyrac: Pasarinno, go away Yes, leave me here all alone…*sniffs*
For the trap is set and waits for its prey! How foreboding
You have come here No dug
In pursuit of your deepest urge Fascinating
In pursuit of that wish which ’til now
Has been silent Really?
I have brought you Not that I knew of
That our passions may fuse and merge Sorry, I don’t care for little street gamines
In your mind you’ve already succumbed to me And I didn’t even have to try!
Dropped all defenses, completely succumbed to me *sighs impatiently*
And now you are here with me
No second thoughts Please, have second thoughts! I’m begging you!
Decided… That was too fast
…Both: Past the point of no return Hurrah! An abridgement!
The final threshold
The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn Ow! It burns!
We’ve passed the point of no return Thank goodness
Courfeyrac: Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime Or not
Lead me, save me from my solitude I’m not exactly alone ya know
Say you’ll want me with you here, beside you Don’t obey me please
Anywhere you go let me go too I could just let you go by yourself
Christine, that’s all I ask of—
*Eponine, in a moment of betrayal, pulls the mask from Courfeyrac’s face and reveals it for all to see. Patrons scream and flee. Courfeyrac stares at Eponine, an expression of anger and betrayal on his face. He cuts through the rope holding the chandelier and stomps on a lever; the chandelier begins to fall as he and Christine drop through a trapdoor.*
Courfeyrac: That wasn’t nice.
Bramble: I agree, that’s one of the things I don’t like about the movie, the way that Christine is so--
Courfeyrac: That isn’t what I’m referring to.
Courfeyrac: Ah, what I meant was--
Javert: *grumble groan* Ugh…my head…
Bramble: HE’S UP!! *pounces*
Javert: Get offa’ me--
Courfeyrac: Oh good, now I can get out of this stupid costume. *sheds mask and cloak*
Bramble: Come over here, you.
Javert: Hands off the coat!
Courfeyrac: You’d better be grateful, I did the Point of No Return scene for you. *throws costume*
Javert: Ow…don’t throw things at me, especially hard things that hit me in the face.
Bramble: Oh, that reminds me. You won’t need the mask for this scene.
Javert: Pray tell. What then am I supposed to use, insane authoress?
Bramble: *holds up makeup and such with an evil grin* Hold ‘im down, Bahorel.
Bahorel: *grabs Javert by the shoulders and pins him down*
Valjean: Whoa, are you sure that’s such a good idea--?
Bramble: Of course it is!
Javert: *snarls unintelligibly*
Eponine: You know, he’s pretty scary by himself. Are you sure he needs the makeup?
Bramble: Don’t question the decisions of the supreme authoress!!
Courfeyrac: This looks like it’ll take a while…
Enjolras: I heard somewhere that it takes 2 hours to apply makeup. That’s if the victim is compliant.
Combeferre: *adjusts glasses* I’d say four hours. Minimum.
Enjolras: *nod nod*
Courfeyrac: I’m bored.
Jehan: Let’s go. I think I heard something about chickens in the backyard--
Courfeyrac: Chickens? Why would you want to mess with those?
Bramble: No messing with chickens! *gets knocked over by Javert’s flailing foot*
Marius: Then what’re we supposed to do?
Javert: Why don’t you overpower her while you have the chance?
Combeferre: Ah, that’s in the document. We aren’t allowed to overpower her.
Javert: Put it to a vote: who wants to overpower her? Surely all of you could do it.
Bramble: *struggles to a sitting position* No overpowering!
Marius: How about a compromise?
Bramble: Like what?
Marius: Don’t put the crazy ‘deformity’ makeup on. We’ve only got one more song to do, right?
Marius: Well, let’s just get it over with.
Bramble: Aw, man!
Bahorel: *lets Javert go*
Javert: *springs to his feet and brushes self off irritably* You aren’t as much of a dolt as you usually are, lawyer boy. And you, authoress, are a joobly dila.
Bramble: I am most certainly not a worthless imbecile!
Javert: Coulda fooled me.
Courfeyrac: *throws himself on Bramble’s foot* Pleeeeeeaassee just finish the musical! Please!!
Bramble: Fine, fine…
Javert: Down once more to the dungeon
Of my black despair! If I have to do this musical much more does that count for despair?
Down we plunge
To the prison of my mind! You’ll never escape!
Down that path into darkness
Deep as hell! Metaphorically, of course…
*he turns ferociously towards Eponine*
Why, you ask, was I bound and chained
In this cold and dismal place? I’d like to know too
Not for any mortal sin That doesn’t tell me much
But the wickedness of my abhorréd face! Obsessed much?
Mob: Track down this murderer-- Yaaahh! Bloodthirsty mob coming through!
He must be found! That’s kind of obvious
Track down this murderer-- Repetition, woo
He must be found! Get ‘im!
Javert: Hounded out by everyone! That’s painting with a pretty broad brush
Met with hatred everywhere! More generalization
No kind words from anyone! No one? At all? Gee whiz, get thicker skin
No compassion anywhere-- Poor sweet baby
Christine… Shouldn’t it be Eponine?
Why? Yes, answer my unreasonable questions!
Why? I’m waiting…
Bramble: All right, so we leave Javert and Eponine to snarl at each other, and Enjolras is led down the cellars by Mme. Fantine.
Fantine: Your hand at the level of your eyes… Why?
Enjolras: Level of your eyes… That’s an excellent question.
Bramble: Oh yeesh, you people. The Punjab lasso? You know? *is met with blank stares* Oh, never mind.
Bahorel: When can we get back to the bloodthirsty mob?
Bramble: Yeesh, put a damper on the violence!
Fantine: This is as far as I dare go. I’m not scared! I can go farther than any girlish-looking GUY can!
Enjolras: Thank you. I think… *continues on his own, falls down a trap door*
Enjolras: Heeeeyyy!! *splashes under the stage*
Bramble: Oh, I probably should have warned you about that.
Enjolras: *unseen* Get me outta here!
Bramble: Bahorel, go get ‘im.
Bahorel: *fetches Enjolras*
Enjolras: *drips on stage* Good grief, that didn’t happen in the stage production!
Bramble: Haven’t you heard of artistic liberties? Now, back to Javert and Eponine!
Eponine: Have you gorged yourself at last
In your lust for blood? Um, no comment
Am I now to be prey
To your lust for flesh? *smacks head* Yuck! Ugh! Bad mental image!
Javert: That fate which condemns me
To wallow in blood Ooh, I’m condemned
Has also denied me
The joys of the flesh-- Ugh, I won‘t even go there. *reaches for Eponine, who pulls away*
This face, the infection
Which poisons our love-- I don’t know whether to be irritated or disgusted…
This face, which earned
A mother’s fear and loathing Ah, yes, trauma, the easiest way to explain current actions
A mask, my first
Unfeeling scrap of clothing-- Actually I’ve never worn a mask in my life *places a bridal veil on her head*
Pity comes too late! It’ll be in the backdoor soon if we wait a little while
Turn around and face your fate: You can run away if you want, I don’t care
An eternity of this before your eyes… Pretty demanding, this character
Eponine: This haunted face Haunted? Hah!
Holds no horror for me now No, I just want to bash it in
It’s in your soul
That the true distortion lies Ooh, burn!
Javert: *noticing Enjolras behind portcullis*
Wait! I think, my dear, ‘Dear’? Good Lord…
We have a guest! Ooh, melodrama…
Sir, this is indeed an unparalleled delight! Actually, it is. Just take her and go.
I had rather hoped that you would come Maybe you can be an exterminator too, the bugs and mold in this place are horrible
And now my wish comes true—you have truly made my night! That’s taking it a bit far
Enjolras: Free her! You can keep her!
Do what you like, only free her! I thought I said you can keep her
Have you no pity? Obviously not
Javert: *to Eponine*
Your lover makes a passionate plea! ‘Lover’? Baaad mental image…
Eponine: Please, Enjy, it’s useless-- What? Did I miss something?
Enjolras: I love her! Does that mean nothing? It does to me!
I love her! Show some compassion-- and keep her!
Javert: *snarling*The world showed no compassion to me! No, no, she’s all yours
Enjolras: ‘Ponine, ‘Ponine Ugh, ridiculous rhyme scheme
*to Phantom* Let me see her-- I can see her quite well from here, thanks
Javert: Be my guest, sir— *opens portcullis*
Monsieur, I bid you welcome! Only if you’re going to cooperate
Did you think that I would harm her? If we’d been left in each other’s company for much longer I might have
Why should I make her pay *portcullis closes, Enjolras looks towards it*
For the sins which are yours! *throws Punjab lasso around Enjolras’ neck, ties him to gate* You know, that didn’t make much sense. And I thought the Punjab lasso was a single piece of rope, not an actual noose.
Enjolras: Not my fault or problem.
Javert: Order your fine horses now! You have horses?
Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes! Did you forget that quickly?
Nothing in this world can save you now You’re a goner
Except perhaps Eponine! …no comment
Start a new life with me! Ugh, that’s quite all right
Buy his freedom with your love! Demanding much?
Refuse me, and you send your lover to his death! …
This is the choice! You get three choices, and the first two don’t count
This is the point of no return! Speaking of which, I didn’t have to do that song--hah
Eponine: The tears I might have shed for your dark fate Tears of laughter, maybe
Grow cold and turn to tears of hate! Such a strong emotion
Bramble: *pauses CD* Okay, one moment, everyone--there’s not enough room on the computer screen to put your sarcastic comments for this part. So, I’ll just delete it.
Combeferre: That’s in violation of our agreement!
Bramble: We have two minutes of song left! DON’T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!!
Gavroche: What’s the hose--
Marius: *claps a hand over Gavroche’s mouth* Don’t ask! It’s horrible!
Bramble: *grins evilly* But since you asked…The Hose is a torture method involving loud cracking noises accompanied by screams as The Hose inflicts severe damage on your tender back. Understood?
Combeferre: I still think you’re violating our agreement…
Javert: You’ve past the point
Of no return As long as that point is my capacity for patience
Eponine: Angel of Music
You deceived me Really? I thought you never lied
I gave you my mind blindly. *giggles* Weird mental image…
Javert: You try my patience. I thought I covered that earlier
Make your choice! *yanks Enjolras w/ rope; Enjolras gags*
Enjolras: Hey! Keep the physical pain down to a minimum, why don’tcha?
Eponine: Pitiful creature of darkness Pitiful? Hah! Not by far!
What kind of life have you known? Not that I care
God give me courage to show you Courage?
You are not alone! Oh yeah you are…
Eponine: There is no way I am even thinking about kissing that thing.
Javert: The feeling is mutual--
Combeferre: *whips out document* Ahem. According to article twenty three, section 5, clause fifteen: ‘The abuductees are not required to perform obscene and/or inappropriate acts, including but not limited to--
Bramble: That’s quite all right, you don’t need to list ‘em all!
Marius: I don’t know if I could stomach it…
Valjean: *ambles onto the scene whistling* What’s with the long faces?
Eponine: She--*points at Bramblefox*--wants me to kiss THAT. *points at Javert*
Valjean: *looks ill* Ugh…I mean, no offense, captress, but couldn’t you have found a more age-appropriate actress?
Bramble: The only other volunteer that’s vaguely age-appropriate was Madame Houchelope.
Javert: What’s wrong with just SINGING the roles instead of acting them out as well??
Eponine: Hear, hear!
Bramble: Oh fine. Be that way.
Javert: Take her! Forgive me Yes, take her! Get her off my hands!
Forget all of this I will destroy your mind…
Leave me alone. Let me go all emo on you
Don’t let them find you! But why not? The more the merrier!
Take the boat, swear to me There’s a boat?
Never to tell
The secrets you know Ooh, secrets
Of the angel in hell! ‘Angel in hell’? Isn’t that taking it a little far?
Go now! Yes, go!
Go now, and leave me!
Mob: Hunt down this murderer--
He must be found! Really? Ya think?
Hunt out this animal Oh, degrading
Who runs to ground! That doesn’t make much sense
Too long he’s preyed on us Really?
But now we know: What? What?
The Phantom of the Opera is there
Deep down below! Oh, is that all? I though we’d learn something newJavert: *starts music box, watches it play*
Masquerade Why am I staring at a monkey box?
Paper faces on parade And we’ve heard this song before
Masquerade Symbolic or what?
Hide your face so the world will never find you Yup, definitely symbolic
*looks up, sees Eponine watching*
Eponine, I *choke* love *cough hack* you I think not!!
*Eponine takes ring off her finger, hands to Javert. Javert stares at his closed hand, tears falling as Eponine and Enjolras leave*
Eponine: Say you’ll share with me
Each night, each morning Ugh, no thank you
*glances back at Phantom*
Enjolras: Say the word and I
Will follow you I think not
Javert: You alone can make my song take flight This character is ridiculously dependent
It’s over now
The Music of the Night! It never began, as far as I’m concerned
*smashes mirror w/ two blows, moves on to second mirror, smashes w/ two blows. Moves aside curtain to reveal mirror, smashes to pieces to reveal a passageway. With a final glance back he drops candelabra and enters passageway, dropping curtain back into place*
*as Javert disappears the Mob comes into the chamber, a little confused at finding it empty. Cosette, at the lead, looks around the platform and sees Javert’s abandoned mask; she picks it up and moves on*
Courfeyrac: *peeps around stage* Is it…?
Marius: Can it be?
Combeferre: IT’S OVER!!!
Grantaire: *twitches awake* Break?
Bramble: Yeesh, you guys are such babies.
Javert: I beg to differ!
Valjean: I haven’t been complaining!
Paris women and Patron-Minette: *skedaddle before they can be pressed into service again*
Enjolras: I can’t believe it’s over…
Bramble: Yeah…and only six days before NaNoWriMo starts too. See, I said I’d get it done before that starts!
Bahorel: And we’re so happy for you. *sarcastically pats Bramble’s head*
Jehan: Say, didn’t the evil captress have a birthday last week?
Bramble: Yes, not that anyone else noticed.
Courfeyrac: Yeah, we did. We just wanted to wait until the end of the play before we threw a party.
Bramble: *sarcastically* I’m so touched. All right, you guys have a one-month hiatus.
Javert: There’s a catch somewhere…
Bramble: Only a small one.
Marius: I’m afraid.
Bramble: Oh, stop it. I just had an idea to do another play, that’s all.
Valjean: Pray tell.
Bramble: Anyone hear of Jekyll and Hyde? *looks around hopefully*
Courfeyrac: Oh, yeah, that’s a good musical.
Enjolras: I refuse to play the lead again.
Bramble: Don’t worry, I have everything all planned out. But, until then, you guys can leave--
*zooming noise; papers float gently to the ground*
Bramble: --in a calm and orderly fashion. *shakes head* Silly guys. *looks at reader* What? It’s done--you can go now. *taps foot* I’m waiting…oh fine. *stomps offstage, turns off lights etc* Goodbye now!!
Take me home!
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