Phantom of the Opera (pt. 3)
*Marius storms into the Opera Populaire reading the headlines in a paper*
Marius: “Mystery after gala night”! It wasn’t all that much of a mystery, we saw the whole thing
It says, “mystery of soprano’s flight”! Didn’t you hear what I said?
“Mystified” all the papers say
“We are mystified, we suspect foul play.” Ooh, I love murder mysteries!
Bad news on soprano scene Aw, no murder mystery?
First Carlotta, now Christine We weren’t afraid to see them go
Still, at least the seats get sold What? We’re selling seats here? I want one!
Gossip’s worth its weight in gold! Last I looked gossip doesn’t really weigh that much…
What a way to run a business By gossip-gold?
Spare me these unending trials Yeah, we need to go out to eat or something
Half your cast disappears Half? Only two are missing so far
Yet the crowd still cheers, “Opera!” They liked to see the other two go
To hell with Gluck and Handel Ooh, profanity!
It’s a scandal that’s sure to be a hit! A scandal? I’m sure Courfeyrac could supply us with stories--
Valjean: Damnable! Will they all walk out? Yikes, more profanity
This is damnable! And even more!
Marius: André, please don’t shout It hurts my ears
It’s publicity, and the take is vast! It’s all that gossip-gold
Free publicity— If something free that’s good, right? Right?
Valjean: But we have no cast! Two people equal a whole cast?
Marius: André, have you seen the queue? I sure haven’t
Oh, it seems you’ve got one too… One what? Lemmee see!!!
Valjean: *reading a note* “Dear André, what a charming gala! I like that word, ‘charming’…
Javert: You’re weird.
Valjean: Christine was, in a word, sublime She wasn’t half-bad, was she?
We were hardly bereft when Carlotta left No, neither were any of us
On that note, Note, heh
The diva’s a disaster As implied by people’s reactions to her
Must you cast her when she’s seasons past her prime?” Ooh, burn!
Marius: *reading a note* “Dear Firmin, just a brief reminder: Brief?
My salary has not been paid. What, he’s supposed to be paid too?
Send it c/o The Ghost Ghosts don’t need to be paid
By return of post PTO Oh yes, very subtle
No one loves a debtor so it’s better if my orders are obeyed!” What, is he going to send a bouncer or something?
Both: Who would have the gall to send this?
Someone with a puerile brain!
Marius: Huh, ‘puerile’, learn a new word every day!
Courfeyrac: You’re weird.
Marius: These are both signed “O.G.”
Valjean: Who the hell is he?!
Both: Opera Ghost!
Marius: It’s nothing short of shocking! I once stuck my finger in a light socket, that was definitely more shocking than this
Valjean: He is mocking our position! Heh, the big bad policeman, a mocker?
Marius: In addition he wants money To buy more snuff!
Valjean: What a funny aberration Not as funny as that ‘beggar’ business though
Both: To expect a large retainer
Nothing plainer: he is clearly quite insane!
*Enjolras flings open the door and accosts the managers*
Enjolras: Where is she? Not that I care…
Valjean: You mean Carlotta? Why would we assume he wants Carlotta?
Enjolras: I mean Miss Daaé— No duh
Where is she? I still don’t care
Marius: Well, how should we know? Actually she’s backstage
Enjolras: I want an answer: Please tell me she’s out
I take it that you sent me this note? Oh, I get one too?
Valjean: What’s all this nonsense?
Marius: Of course not!
Valjean: Don’t look at us!
Enjolras: She’s not with you then?
Marius: Of course not!
Valjean: We’re in the dark!
Enjolras: Monsieur, don’t argue--
Isn’t this the letter you wrote?
Marius: And what is it that we’re meant to have wrote?
Bramble: You’re supposed to correct yourself.
Marius: Oh. Right.*he realizes his verbal mistake* Written!
Valjean: “Do not fear for Miss Daaé;
The Angel of Music has her under his wing.
Make no attempt to see her again.”
Enjolras: Well, if you didn’t write it, who did?
*Azelma storms in in full cry*
Azelma: Where is he?
Valjean: Ah, welcome back--
Azelma: Your precious patron--
Where is he?
Marius: What is it now?
Azelma: I have your letter;
A letter which I rather resent!
Marius: And did you send it?
Courfeyrac: Hey, there’s no comments!
Combeferre: Where’s our document?
Bramble: There’s a perfectly logical reason for this--
Combeferre: *reading from a handwritten document* Here it is. According to article V, section 2, clauses 4 and 5--
Bramble: You wrote that up already?
Combeferre: We extras have plenty of free time.
Bramble: I’m torn between impressed and frightened.
Combeferre: I guess I’ll take that as a compliment…as I was saying. According to article V, section 2, clauses 4 and 5: ‘The abductor is required, upon request of the abductees, to allow said abductees to insert sarcastic and/or ridiculing comments within the context of the forced performance, and faithfully transcribe the sarcastic and/or ridiculing comments--’
Bramble: I get the idea! I get the idea!
Combeferre: *rolls up document importantly* Well?
Bramble: I kind of like this song, and it gets really confusing to write out the lyrics and the sarcastic comments one right after the other…*trails off as everyone stares accusingly*
Combeferre: Transcribe. Now.
Bramble: Gah, fine, fine…
Enjolras: Of course not! As if I’d even WANT to attract a girl
Valjean: As if he would! Actually you do a bang-up job of attracting girls with your looks
Azelma: You didn’t send it? I’m confused…
Enjolras: Of course not! That doesn’t mean I WANT to attract them!
Marius: What’s going on? So’m I, Azelma
Azelma: You dare to tell me
That this is not the letter you sent? Aren’t they technically notes, not letters?
Enjolras: And what is it that I’m meant to have sent? Didn’t I say I didn’t sent it?
“Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered. Like this: one, two, three…
Christine Daaé will be singing on your behalf tonight, Or in your absence, hah!
Be prepared for a great misfortune Like playing in another musical for a crazed authoress
Should you attempt to take her place.” So don’t!
Bramble: Hey! No editorials!
Enjy: *blows a raspberry*
*Marius and Valjean, deciding that things have gone far enough, attempt to placate their star*
M and V: Far too many notes for my taste Especially the ones we’re singing, hah!
And most of them about Christine Or Eponine, whichever you look at it
All we’ve heard since we came
Is Miss Daaé’s name— Actually, isn’t her name Thenardier?
*Fantine walks in and interrupts*
Fantine: Miss Daaé has returned.
Marius: I hope no worse for wear
As far as we’re concerned! Actually if she just disappeared and that was the end of the play that would be fine.
Valjean: Where precisely is she now? Please say that she’s vanished and we can end this stupid play…
Fantine: I thought it best she was alone.
Cosette: She needed rest. I gave her a Benadryl to sleep, too.
Enjolras: May I see her? Not that I really want to…
Fantine: No, monsieur, she will see no one.
Enjolras: Oh good.
Bramble: Keep to the script!!
Azelma and Montparnesse: Will she sing? Will she sing? Not that we care…
Fantine: Here, I have a note.
All: Let me see it! Not again!
Marius: Please! Aren’t I polite?
*Marius starts reading the note. As he goes on his voice is joined and eventually drowned out by Javert’s*
Marius: “Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature dictating how my theatre is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. I shall give you…”
Javert: “…one last chance.” So fair…
Christine Daaé has returned to you And you can keep her!
And I am anxious her career should progress. Not really…
In the new production of Il Muto ‘Mute’, eh? Sounds interesting…NOT!
You will therefore cast Carlotta as the pageboy, She’s small enough to pull off the part…
And put Miss Daaé in the role of Countess. What?!
The role which Miss Daaé plays
Calls for charm and appeal; I think not
The role of the pageboy is silent Glory hallelujah!
Which makes my casting, in a word,
Ideal! *he smirks*
I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five, which will be kept empty for my. Should these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur. Now doesn’t that makes to want to obey?
Marius: “I remain, gentlemen, your obedient servant, O.G.”
Azelma: Christine! I mean, Eponine
Valjean: Whatever next? Her names does work in the rhyme scheme…
Azelma: It’s all a ploy to help Christine! Except it’s three syllables instead of two
Marius: This is insane! What if we put in ’Ponine?
Azelma: I know who sent this: It was the Phantom fellow, right?
The Viscount, her lover! That’s what SHE thinks anyway
Enjolras: Indeed! Can you believe this? I sure can’t!
Grantaire: Apollo is blushing! Hah!
Enjolras: Shut up!
*Azelma, waxing irritable, shrieks unintelligibly*
Marius: This is a joke! I don’t see what’s so funny about it.
Valjean: This changes nothing! Except the fact that you’re getting replaced.
Valjean: You are our star! Or were, an hour ago.
Marius: And always will be! Oh, so we’re not firing her after all?
Marius: The man is mad! I don’t think I’ll even comment on that.
Valjean: We don’t take orders! Rebellion!
Marius: Miss Daaé will be playing the pageboy, the silent role. Sorry, ‘Ponine.
Both: Carlotta will be playing the lead! Now that we have that settled…
Azelma: It’s useless trying to appease me! Usually I’m pretty indifferent.
You’re only saying this to please me! Really?
Fantine: You scorn his word, beware to those
The Angel sees, the Angel knows
Azelma: You have rebuked me! I’m so unloved. Not that I’m very loved to begin with, of course.
Valjean and Marius: Signora, pardon us! We had no idea…
Azelma: You have replaced me! Yes, my mother wasn’t so bad, but my father had me do weird things like punch windows so my hand would bleed. The things we’d do for money…
V & M: Signora, we beseech you! Oh dear.
Enjolras: I must see her! Actually, I’m perfectly happy with her not being here.
Fantine and Cosette: The Angel knows, the Angel hears
Enjolras: Where did she go? Last I heard she was still backstage.
All minus Azelma: What new surprises lie in store? Oh please, no more plot!
Azelma: Our star! So self-flattering!
*they burst out of the Opera doors to a crowd of people clamoring for attention. The flow of people pushes them back; Carlotta simpers at the men holding roses. One says, “Would you give this to Miss Daaé?” Carlotta’s smile disappears. The doors close*
Valjean: Your public needs you. And they can have you!
Marius: We need you, too. Really?
Azelma: Wouldn’t you rather have your precious ingénue? I didn’t even want to be here, take your precious ingénue!
Valjean and Marius: Signora, no.
The world wants you! Then why don’t they claim you??
Bramble: *grumbles* Thusly ends a very comic song that was fairly butchered by sarcastic comments…*grumbles*
Combeferre: You promised!
Bramble: I know, I know…but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!
Grantaire: *puppy-eyes* Break?
Bramble: *glower* What is it with you guys and breaks??
Grantaire: Breaks are good!
Courfeyrac: Towels are good too.
Javert: I think there’s been enough tampering with different stories without dragging Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in the mix as well.
Bramble: *surprised* You know what Hitchhiker’s is?
Javert: Doesn’t everyone?
Courfeyrac: That movie’s hilarious!
Joly: It’s kinda weird though.
Combeferre: It has some interesting philosophical points.
Bramble: I’m astounded.
Enjolras: Some parts are questionable, but overall it is pretty good.
Valjean: That would be a fun one to do…
Javert: Don’t tell me you’re of the mind that we should perform inane musicals and movies!!
Valjean: *looks horrified* Oh my, what am I doing?! I take it back!
Bramble: There’s still hope then?
Valjean and Javert: No!
Javert: Nope, no chance of willingly performing anything! You didn’t hear anything!
Bramble: Oh you guys…*shakes head*
Grantaire: *has inadvertently discovered another bottle of alcohol*
Courfeyrac: Chug it, chug it, chug it--
Bramble: Grantaire! What did I say about drinking in the middle of a play??
Grantaire: Heh, the crazy authoress just turned into a green fairy…*waves in a goofy manner*
Bramble: You guys are hopeless.
Enjolras: As much as I dislike being indebted to a drunkard, I must say that I am relieved that his mannerisms have encouraged a break.
Courfeyrac: Hear, hear! *slaps Grantaire on the back good-naturedly*
Eponine: I’m hungry.
Azelma: Me too.
Marius: Food does sound pretty good at the moment…
Javert: I vote Italian!
Bramble: But the next song! The play!
Javert: To heck with your play, we’re hungry.
Azelma: How about KFC?
Combeferre: Yuck, their stuff is disgusting. I’m rather partial to Italian myself.
Marius: How about Taco Bell?
Eponine: I like cheeseburgers. With fries, extra-crispy.
Bramble: Well, I certainly hope you all have money with which to order take-out.
Valjean: *pulls out a wallet crammed with money* Will this do?
Javert: Where the devil did you get that?
Valjean: I didn’t steal it! I had a bunch of the francs in my fortune exchanged into American money. The inflation rate in Europe stinks, you know that?
Combeferre: I thought the euro was the standard European rate.
Valjean: Well, that would be if we lived in normal times…
Cosette: But we don’t seem to be living in normal times.
Javert: Well, as long as it is honest money, I have no problem with it being used towards feeding all of us here.
Bramble: Just one small problem…*everyone looks at her* Because I happen to live in an economic low-land the only stuff nearby is fast food, greasy pizza at Casey’s, and cheap Chinese takeout that’s loaded with MSG.
Bahorel: No cafes?
Bramble: *shakes head*
Bahorel: Man. That stinks.
Combeferre: *claps hands together* Well. Since there is very little choice there’s only one thing left to do. Make it.
Javert: *snorts* And how do you intend to do so?
Combeferre: I didn’t survive entirely on cafes and stuff in Paris! I learned how to cook!
Joly: *raises hand* I can cook a little too.
Bramble: I am astounded.
Javert: You sound like a broken record.
Marius: What are we waiting for?
Combeferre: You, crazy author lady, do you have a kitchen?
Combeferre: To the kitchen!
Bramble: But the play…
Everyone: *starts trooping off*
Javert: To heck with your play!
Bramble: I’m a mite peckish myself, come to think of it…*reluctantly follows everyone else*
On to Part 4!
Take me home!
Review this chapter