Phantom of the Opera
*Eponine (as Christine) changes into a nightgown--*
Eponine: Wait, wait. She’s supposed to be going out on a date and she wears a NIGHTGOWN?? Get real!
*--whilst outside her door a hand locks the door; Fantine (as Mdme. Giry) watches and turns away. As Eponine (as Christine) ties the sash on her nightgown all the candles in her room blow out. Frightened, she turns as if to run, but a commanding voice from above stops her in her tracks.*
Javert (as Erik): Insolent boy, this slave of fashion Actually he has terrible fashion sense, that red vest is so 1830’s.
Basking in your glory! Glory! Hah!
Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor Now the ignorant part I agree with.
Sharing in my triumph! …This guy makes no sense.
Eponine: Angel, I hear you making no sense, hah!
Speak, I listen Sometimes
Stay by my side, guide me I think not, you’re insane!
Angel, my soul was weak My whole character is weak…
Enter at last, master! Don’t mind the baseball bat hiding behind the door…
Javert (as Erik): Flattering child, you shall know me Do I even WANT to know what that means??
See why in shadow I hide ‘Cause my face is too hideous to show in the light…
Look at your face in the mirror You’ll see…yourself! Surprise!
I am there inside! How can someone be inside a mirror? I mean, seriously…
Eponine (as Christine): Angel of Music, guide and guardian This looks familiar…
Grant to me your glory! Super familiar…
Angel of Music, hide no longer Are we repeating ourselves?
Come to me, strange Angel! Strange is right, psycho stalker!
Javert (as Erik): I am your Angel of Music… He’s kind of assuming, isn’t he?
Come to me, Angel of Music… So she’s now the Angel of Music? I’m confused…
Enjolras (as Raoul): *rattles locked door* Whose is that voice? Who is that in there? Don’t believe him, police inspectors lie!
Javert (as Erik): I am your Angel of Music… Do not! I didn’t deny anything!
Come to me, Angel of Music… More repeating…
*the mirror slides open and Javert (as Erik) whisks Eponine (as Christine) away into his underground lair. Enjolras (as Raoul) rushes into the room directly after the mirror closes*
Enjolras (as Raoul): Christine! Christine! Oh, NOW he gets all worried, eh?
Bramble: *starts bouncing up and down like the crazed phangirl she is* Now for the coolest song in the whole play!!! *pauses for dramatic effect*
Javert: *taking advantage of the pause* I’m not going to take her hand to lead her down in the lair! I’m old enough to be her father, for crying out loud!
Bramble: Well…remember that book incorporation? Still a bit more incorporation here…be glad I’m not making you do the book, in that you knock her unconscious and carry her down on a horse and a boat.
Javert: *looks horrified* I would never do that!
Bramble: I know, you’re so uptight that--
Javert: Are you challenging my ethics here??
Bramble: JUST DO THE BLOODY SCENE!!
Valjean: Ooh, she’s starting to swear, that’s always a bad sign.
Bramble: *pushes the play button on the CD player, which starts blasting out the first few notes to Phantom of the Opera*
Javert: *curtly gestures to Eponine to follow* I am NOT taking your hand, so don’t you say a word.
Eponine: No problems here…
*Javert (as Erik) leads Eponine (as Christine) down into his lair…*
Eponine (as Christine): In sleep he sang to me I say, that would freak me out…
In dreams he came A mind-reader too? The legendary proportions of this fellow are astounding.
That voice which calls to me ‘Eponine…I need clean socks…’
And speaks my name M’sieur Marius spoke my name once…
And do I dream again? Oh, not that dreaming rot! Unless it involves food…
For now I find Do I find food? A nice juicy cheeseburger?
The phaaaaaaaaantom of the opera is there No cheeseburger? *wibble*
Inside my mind I still want a cheeseburger…
Javert (as Erik): Sing once again with me I’m sick of the singing as well
Our strange duet Strange is right *mutters about Eponine being young enough to be his daughter*
My power over you Is very minimal
Grows stronger yet I beg to differ
And though you turn from me Yeah, just keep on going!
To glance behind Don’t mind those weird arms with torches, they’re perfectly normal…
The phaaaaaaaaantom of the opera is there I wish I’d lose the ‘phantom’ title, I’m not that secretive…
Inside your mind I’d prefer to stay out of there, brains are slimy
Eponine (as Christine): Those who have seen your face Are horrified!
Draw back in fear See what I mean?
I am the mask you wear Oh, no I’m not!
Javert (as Erik): It’s me they hear I beg yet again to differ
Both: Your/my spirit and my/your voice Creepy thought…
In one combined *both recoil from each other* Ew!
The phaaaaaaaaantom of the opera is there/here This looks familiar…
Inside your/my mind Even more familiar!
Bramble: And now for one more verse! Listen to that awesome drumbeat!
Enjolras: Yeah, yeah, get on with it…
Javert (as Erik): In all your fantasies I don’t even want to know
You always knew Precognition, eh?
That man and mystery I’m not that big of a mystery!
Eponine (as Christine): Were both in you Yeah right!
Both: And in this labyrinth A labyrinth, eh? Hm.
Where night is blind I know I’m blind at night
The phaaaaaaaaantom of the opera is there/here What’s with this stupid line?? It’s like a broken record!
Inside your/my mind You can keep your mind to yourself!
Eponine (as Christine): He’s there, the Phantom of the Opera… Woo! Crazy-high-note-part!
Javert (as Erik): Sing, my angel of music! Etc…
I have brought you Not of my own will
To the seat of sweet music’s throne… What, this guy worships music? That is just wrong.
Enjolras: How many more scenes before the end of this act?
Bramble: A lot.
Enjolras: Give me a number for crying out loud!
Bramble: *counts on fingers* Nine. Or ten. Huh, that’s less than I thought there would be…
Bramble: WOULD YOU STOP BEING A BROKEN RECORD?!?
Javert: I really don’t wanna do this song…
Javert: That seducing part again! I just can’t do that!
Bramble: Fine, then don’t. As long as you do the song right I don’t care.
Javert: *suspicious* Is that a promise?
Bramble: Oh, fine…*they pinky-swear*
Javert: Thank you.
Bramble: Just do the song already…
Javert (as Erik): Nighttime sharpens Night has knives? I knew there was a reason why I didn’t care for it…
Heightens each sensation Like the feeling of a blade across the skin
Darkness stirs And mixes!
And wakes imagination *drawls* Ee-mag-I-na-shun? What’s that?
Silently the senses Oh, being sneaky are we?
Abandon their defenses That’s illegal! I could have them turned in for that!
Night unfurls its splendor Like a flag!
Grasp it, sense it I think I’ll live
Tremulous and tender …no comment
Turn your face away Just leave! That would be fine!
From the garish light of day I rather like daytime…
Turn your thoughts away
From cold, unfeeling light How can light be cold? I mean, light produces heat, so logically…
And listen to
The music of the night Do I want to know what that’s supposed to mean?
Close your eyes and surrender That’s right, surrender! Who knows what crimes you’ve committed!
To your darkest dreams That’s all right, those don’t need to be expounded upon
Purge your thoughts of the life
You knew before Abandoning a good honest life? Tsk, tsk.
Close your eyes
Let your spirit start *Bramble winces, waiting for the note*
To soar *Javert hits the note; Bramble heaves a grateful sigh*
And you’ll live
As you’ve never lived before Unless you’ve been on a roller coaster, those make you think you’ll never live again
Softly, deftly Like angora! That’s soft!
Music shall caress you But not that soft.
Hear it, feel it Then again angora doesn’t make sounds either…
Secretly possess you Why is everything dark and secret? Huh? Huh?
Open up your mind But don’t let your brain fall out!
Let your fantasies unwind Mayhaps we’ve had enough fantasies for one day
In this darkness that you know
You cannot fight The light shall always triumph! Darkness doesn’t last forever!
The darkness of
The music of the night There’s that darkness again…
Let your mind start a journey
Through a strange new world Let’s not and say we did
Leave all thoughts of the life
You knew before This line looks rather familiar
Let your soul take you
Where you long to be! I can drop you off at a fast-food joint if you’re hungry…
Only then can you belong
To me Okay, ugh, I won’t even try to read into that, thank you very much.
Floating, falling Don’t worry, we have a net to catch you with
Sweet intoxication! Have you been nipping at the sherry lately?
Touch me, trust me Stay away from me!
Savour each sensation …no comment
Let the dream begin Nightmare, more like
Let your darker side give in ‘Join the dark side, Lu--I mean, Eponine!’
To the power of the music that I write I don’t write music…
The power of
The music of the night So it’s powerful, dark, intoxicating…how many more undesirable traits can we cram in here?
*Javert (as Erik) shows Eponine (as Christine) a mannequin; Eponine (as Christine) faints from the shock. Javert (as Erik) catches her and carries her over to--*
Javert: I told you, I’m not touching her! Much less CARRYING her across this stage!
Bramble: Figure out some way to do it.
Javert: *somehow drags Eponine across the stage using his fingertips*
Eponine: You had no qualms about grabbing my arm after that robbery incident!
Javert: Different time, different situation.
*Javert (as Erik) drags Eponine (as Christine) to the swan bed*
You alone can make my song take flight This fellow’s rather dependent…
Help me make
The music of
Bramble: I love that note…
Javert: *coughs* Heh. Well, whatever.
Bramble: Can’t you ever talk a compliment?
Valjean: Believe me, he can’t. At all.
Javert: Did I ask for your opinion?
Valjean: It was begging to be said.
Bramble: Let’s just get past the next scene, okay? *shoves everyone offstage*
*While Christine was being serenaded below, the drunken stagehand Joseph Buquet told ghost stories about the ‘Phantom’.*
Bramble: Oh, Grantaire? I have the perfect role for you…
Grantaire: Become a loafing drunkard and you’re branded for life!
Enjolras: The role does suit you rather well.
Grantaire: Now that hurt.
Grantaire: Okay, okay.
Grantaire (as Buquet): Like yellow parchment is his skin Gross…
A great black hole serves as the nose that never grew Even more gross--
You must always be on your guard What, no sideburn reference? I’d think that would be the first thing you’d see…
Or he will catch you with his magical lasso! Magical? Where’s this guy been his whole life?
Fantine (as Mdme Giry): Those who speak of what they know
Find too late that prudent silence is wise…
Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue! *she slaps him*
Keep your hand at the level of your eyes! *she puts the Punjab lasso around his neck and tightens it*
Bramble: You didn’t mess up all the lines?
Fantine: I thought you’d be kind of tired of that…
Bramble: That was very considerate, Fantine.
Fantine: I try.
Bramble: Now, onwards!
Grantaire: You know, that scene was kind of pointless…*is squelched by Eponine threatening to punch him*
*Down below again; Eponine (as Christine) wakes to hear a haunting tune*
Bramble: MASQUERADE!! PAPER FACES ON PARADE--
Eponine: And you still want us to do this?
Bramble: Um, yeah. Don’t mind me. But first an announcement: it’s getting really redundant to write ‘so and so (as so and so)’, so your names are now shortened to your normal names. Now I’m done. *sits down and shuts up*
Eponine: I remember there was mist I didn’t see any earlier…
Swirling mist upon a vast glassy lake ‘Vast’, eh? It’s about the size of the stage last I looked
There were candles all around Fire hazard!
And on the lake there was a boat I didn’t see a boat either
And in the boat there was a man… *cough-no boat-cough*
*she looks over to see Javert composing; he glances up and goes back to his music.*
Javert: I can’t write music! I don’t even know what music looks like!
Bramble: Just scribble, we won’t notice.
Eponine: Who was that shape in the shadows? Like I care!
Whose is the face in the mask…*while Javert is oblivious she sneaks up behind him and rips his mask off* Man, this girl isn’t very smart is she?
Enjolras: That’s the general consensus, anyway.
Javert: *shoves her away and covers the right side of his face* Damn you! Wow, such profanity!
You little prying Pandora! Pandora? Hah!
You little demon-- That’s a little strong…
Is this what you wanted to see? Not that there’s anything there, of course
Curse you! Oh, now it tones down, huh?
You little lying Delilah! Delilah was worse--much much worse
You little viper!
Now you cannot ever be free! Actually you can go whenever you want, the exit’s that way
Damn you! There’s that profanity again
Curse you! And the milder version
Stranger than you dreamt it As if this whole thing isn’t strange as is
Can you even dare to look That’s right, hate my guts why don’tcha?
Or bear to think of me? I think I’ll go eat worms
This loathsome gargoyle who burns in hell Not quite, I haven’t seen any flames down here
But secretly dreams of beauty Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Secretly, secretly Repeat! Repeat!
Fear can turn to love Let’s not even go there…
You’ll learn to see, to find the man How about you not and say you did?
Behind the monster, this Where are my worms??
Repulsive carcass who seems a beast Is it…?
But secretly dreams of beauty Ah, another Beauty and the Beast reference…
Secretly, secretly… More repeats
*Eponine hands the mask to Javert; he slowly replaces it and stands*
Javert: Come, we must return. Those two fools who run my theater will be missing you. I say, that’s rather harsh.
Valjean: Do you think anyone can do your job like you do?
Javert: Of course not!
Javert: …Now that was just mean.
Valjean: Sometimes the truth hurts.
Enjolras: *makes a tally* Score one for the convict.
Valjean: My gosh, how many times to I have to say it: I am not a convict anymore!! Talk about stereotypes…
Eponine: Actually our story is full of stereotypes…
Bramble: Really? And what, pray?
Eponine: *clears throat* There’s the uptight cop--
Eponine:--the chaste golden statue--
Enjolras: I object to being--
Eponine: --the evil miserable villain--
Thenardier: Betrayed by my own daughter, who’da thunk it?
Eponine: --the outcast attempting to re-enter society--
Bramble: Okay, I think we get the picture. Come on, next scene! This is a fun one--Valjean, Marius, you actually get parts now!
Valjean: Oh joy.
Part 3, here we come!
Take me home!
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