I still know mentally that I 'shouldn't'...but these kind of matters don't tend to go with what 'should' or 'shouldn't' be desired. It's a strange conundrum.
Something to keep in mind is how I selectively 'exist' around him--by that I mean some days, even now, he'll acknowledge that I'm there, make small talk, etc. But on days when his parents are visiting or there's too many people in the gym, I might as well not exist. On Saturday his dad was visiting, and when they came into the gym M didn't even look at me. His dad was friendlier than M, and I've only met the guy twice! *headdesk* Oy. And of course after his dad left early I was back on the 'you can be acknowledged now' list.
And yet...even in the face of the obvious inconsistencies, I can't help missing him. Although at this stage, perhaps it's less missing him personally as it is missing the 'good times', and a tendency to mentally edit out the 'inconsistent' parts because it's more comfortable to remember the good things. (I'm getting better about the editing part, though--I used to make excuses left and right for inconsistencies, and now I've got a more level-handed approach going.)
Sigh. I suppose cold analyzing is a good sign of sorts...and occasionally I contemplate confronting M on these inconsistencies. A favorite imaginary conversation is when he asks 'how's it going' to say 'pretty good--I see that I exist today'. I dunno...sometimes I think it'd be incredibly satisfying on some level to stage a verbal confrontation, and other times I'm not sure it's worth the effort.
...I think I need to stop obsessing.
On another note I started painting again.
Much of the color and shading was sucked out of this picture...I hate it when that happens. >.<
And on another completely unrelated note I'm taking the dog to the vet today. I think he got fleas when we took him to get trimmed a couple of weeks ago, and now he's got all these bites and little bare spots in his coat. I is concerned...hence the vet visit.
On that note...