Tonight I was invited over to a friends' place to play board games. It's a bit of a drive to his place and kind of late when I got the invitation so I declined. And now it's 8:00 at night, I'm technically home alone (Mom and Dad went to bed already and Will is out with friends), and gosh-darnit I'm lonely.
I have online friends, but I don't really want to talk to anyone via a screen and text. My real-life friends either live in other states, are in college, or are too far away to drive and see tonight. I don't feel like I can call anyone, because I'm just lonely and don't want people to think that that's the only time I ever feel like calling.
Due to the same problem of people living too far away I really can't invite anyone over except infrequently, and spending the last few weeks alone at home in the evenings is starting to take its toll. I can usually occupy my attention with my various interests, but tonight it's impossible.
I've often thought that I'm very self-sufficient and don't have the need to be around people all the time. And generally I don't. But every so often, the realization that I'm so very alone these days comes surging to the forefront of my existence and I need to break down a little.
Internet friends are all fine in themselves, but sometimes I need the physical presence of an actual person. Spending time with people I enjoy and like (aside from family) is becoming a rarity over here, and I'm feeling its toll.
While writing this I've had to stop a few times for composure's sake...I feel like I've been crying a lot lately. No one sees it, of course--last night I was reading old journal entries before going to bed and the M saga has been harassing me mentally (not just last night, but for a few day). So because of that I was in tears last night, and now due to this crushing loneliness I'm getting all weepy again.
I don't want a bunch of people feeling sorry for me...but maybe it's essential to see that I'm not always the yippy skippy person that I make out to be. Sometimes I'm depressed and not happy at all. But nobody wants to see that side.